LOL - The Onion!!!! *the official thread*

I KNEW IT!....

Report: Apocalypse Actually Happened 3 Years Ago

MENLO PARK, CA—Though the event went largely unremarked upon at the time, a report published Monday by the Kaiser Family Foundation has found that the apocalypse, or end of the world, occurred three years ago. "According to our data, the total collapse of all human civilization occurred on or around April 3, 2008," said foundation representative Jodie Palmenterri, citing numerous instances of environmental disaster, humanitarian catastrophe, and economic ruin as unambiguous signs that the world had ended. "Those who have worried for years that human culture was headed toward calamity can rest easy, because it already happened. We are living in a postapocalyptic world. This is it." Palmenterri went on to say that because the apocalypse does not resemble the eschatological predictions of any major religion, it's safe to assume the gods have all forsaken us.

Man Who Got 6-Figure Book Deal From His Tumblr Account Has The F*cking Nerve To Appear On National Television
NEW YORK—Infuriating tens of thousands nationwide, 26-year-old microblogger Travis Yates reportedly had the g*ddamn nerve to appear on Good Morning America Friday just days after signing a $400,000 deal to adapt his popular Tumblr account into a full-length book. "That rich little punk has the f*cking stones to show up on my TV and talk about how many hits his stupid blog gets? What a dick," said Colorado resident Jason Stehmeier, 34, who added that it was common decency not to show oneself in public after lucking into something like that. "That guy needs to shut up, write the damn thing, and go away already." Most of the angered viewers admitted they might consider purchasing a copy of the book so long as Yates' smug little prick face was not featured prominently on the back cover.

You guys ever watch their YT video's? Just as funny and stupid:

That's a riot. How to I link to that Jenny's Facebook page again?

http://www.theonion.com/articles/keith-richards-housekeeper-has-braced-herself-for,28708/

Keith Richards' Housekeeper Has Braced Herself For Finding Dead Body Every Morning Since 1976

WESTON, CT—Since her first day on the job in October 1976, Keith Richards' housekeeper Rosemary Velasquez, 64, has mentally and emotionally prepared herself every single day to find the hard-living Rolling Stones guitarist lying dead somewhere in his home.

"Each morning before I leave for work, I look in the mirror, take a deep breath, and think to myself, 'Rosemary, you could very well find Keith Richards' dead body today," Velasquez told reporters Thursday, adding that from the moment she was first hired by a "nearly comatose" Richards, she began steeling herself for the inevitable discovery of the guitarist's wiry corpse in his bedroom or kitchen. "It's never been a question of if I would find him dead, but where and how soon." (cont.)

Being a huge Calvin & Hobbes fan, this one hit a little too close to home. Funny as hell, though...

Bill Watterson Writes, Illustrates, Shreds New 'Calvin And Hobbes' Strip Each Morning Out Of Spite

CLEVELAND HEIGHTS, OH—Despite not having published a new comic strip since December 1995, cartoonist Bill Watterson has reportedly taken the time every day since to write, pencil, hand-ink, and, out of spite, destroy a new installment of Calvin And Hobbes. "Wow, this might be one of the best yet," Watterson said as he completed his 5,689th strip of the past 16 years and then immediately fed it into a paper shredder. "I bet my millions of fans would really love this whole new direction for Spaceman Spiff. Oh, well, f*ck them." According to sources, Watterson also spends a portion of his time calling comic strip syndicates to discuss publishing new material, only to abruptly announce, "Actually, that's never gonna happen," and hang up the phone.

That's awesome.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/chickfila-debuts-new-homophobic-sandwich,28888/

Chick-Fil-A Debuts New Homophobic Sandwich
'Queer-Hatin' Cordon Bleu' Goes On Sale Wednesday

ATLANTA—As part of its recent efforts to publicly align itself with fundamentalist Christian values, the Chick-fil-A restaurant chain announced today the debut of its new Queer-Hatin' Cordon Bleu sandwich that would be on sale in all of the company's 1,600 restaurants this Wednesday.

In a press conference to reporters, company representatives said the homophobic new sandwich will include the national fast food chain’s trademark fried chicken filet wrapped in a piece of specially-smoked No Homo ham that would be topped with a slice of Swiss cheese and lathered in a creamy new Thousand Island-based F*g Punching sauce.

"The Queer-Hatin' Cordon Bleu is our company's way of showing our firm commitment to strong, Christian family values," said Chick-fil-A spokesman Robert Gary, before adding that the vehemently anti-ga-hey rights sandwich comes served in a combo with waffle fries and a medium soda for just $6.95. "From the very first morsel of this savory meal to the very last bite, customers can envision g*ys burning in hell with their sodomizing cohorts, and know that our sandwich is on their side.”

"Of course, the young ones will want to finish their meals off right with a No Fudge Packin' Soft Serve Cone," Gary added. "I can't think of a better way to follow up a sandwich this good."

While the release of the Queer-Hatin’ Cordon Bleu has led to anger from pro-g*y rights groups, loyal Chick-fil-A customers claim they are happy they can finally enjoy a sandwich that takes a firm stance on the issue of homosexuality.

"Any sandwich that combines that great Chick-fil-A flavor with a hefty dose of vitriolic homophobia is definitely going to keep me coming back for more," said Atlanta customer John Oaks. “Come Wednesday, I’m going to be first in line for this thing.”

According to sources, the Queer-Hatin’ Cordon Bleu is merely the first of Chick-fil-A’s new family values menu which is set to include the AIDS Is God’s Curse chicken nugget combo and the F*gs Caused 9/11 strawberry fruit smoothie.

Quote :

While the release of the Queer-Hatin’ Cordon Bleu has led to anger from pro-ga-hey rights groups, loyal Chick-fil-A customers claim they are happy they can finally enjoy a sandwich that takes a firm stance on the issue of homosexuality.

Finally the congregation of the WBC will have a place to sit and enjoy a meal after a long day of protesting funerals.

I've always thought that McDonald's was too liberal with their food policies and characters. The Hamburgler is clearly a pederast.

I was skimming around The Onion's web site over the weekend and got a good, metal related chuckle when I saw their "weather forecast" graphic at the top of the page, which predicted "Lightning, followed by Burzum"

Cool Dad Raising Daughter On Media That Will Put Her Entirely Out Of Touch With Her Generation

Above: Campbell presents his daughter with yet another cultural artifact that will in no way help her socialize normally with children her own age.

RENTON, WA—Local man Paul Campbell confirmed Saturday he was raising his daughter Emma on a variety of media carefully selected to help her cultivate an appreciation for artistic quality, a move that will reportedly put the 12-year-old girl hopelessly out of touch with her generation.
Perusing his music and film collections and showing reporters distinctive, well-regarded works that will thoroughly alienate Emma from her sixth-grade classmates, Campbell said he wanted to make sure his daughter enjoyed the benefits of a cultural education he never received at her age.
"Back then, I listened to junk like Journey and watched crappy movies like Iron Eagle," the 41-year-old said in reference to popular music and films of the 1980s that allowed him to have something to talk about with friends. "I wish my own dad had turned me on to the good stuff, so I wouldn't have had to wait until I was in my 20s before I started digging anything halfway decent."
"Well, I'm not making the same mistake he did," Campbell continued as he pulled out vinyl copies of Television's Marquee Moon, Miles Davis' Sketches Of Spain, and Big Star's #1 Record, highly influential albums that will in no way help his daughter interact with her peers at a particularly delicate time in her social development. "There's a lot of cool stuff out there, and it's never too early to start learning what's worth your time. I'm just glad I have the know-how to guide her."
Campbell said he has also been vigilant in ensuring Emma develops an increased familiarity with timeless classic films, a parenting strategy that will inevitably hobble her as she attempts to achieve individuation while negotiating an adolescence heavily influenced by the very latest pop culture.
Since her early childhood, a period sources said featured a Danger Mouse–themed birthday party that utterly baffled the assembled 6-year-old guests, Campbell's daughter has been fed a steady diet of marginalizing cinematic masterpieces from the world's very best filmmakers.
"Jean-Luc Godard, Stanley Kubrick, Billy Wilder—you simply need to know who these men are if you want to call yourself culturally literate," Campbell said of the three iconic directors whose creations could not have less utility to his daughter as she searches for a way to achieve a sense of belonging among her fellow middle-schoolers. "Sure, she makes a face when I don't let her see some ridiculous movie with CGI robots because it's John Sayles Night and we're watching The Secret Of Roan Inish instead. But I'm giving her a leg up, even if she doesn't know it."
"I'm not unreasonable about this," Campbell added. "If she doesn't want to watch Harold Lloyd shorts tonight, that's no problem. We still have another five or six Prisoner episodes to get through."
Insisting he understood the important role entertainment media plays in the life of a sixth-grader, Campbell reportedly bought his daughter the Alice Cooper album Billion Dollar Babies on the grounds that the Adam Lambert CD she had begged for—and that all the girls at school had received—was not even a fraction as good as the 1973 masterpiece.
"I absolutely realize where she's at in life," Campbell said regarding the 12-year-old girl who has seen The Wild Bunch. "I don't care if she likes boy bands, but there are plenty out there that have some artistic merit: the Monkees, the Beach Boys, the Jackson 5. Come on, each of those guys is cuter than the next, and they're slightly talented, at least. I'd even be okay with Peter Frampton if she were really adamant about it, especially his early stuff with Humble Pie."
Reached for comment, Emma Campbell said that while she appreciated her father's dedication, she often had difficulty fitting in with her peers.
"I definitely feel out of place sometimes," said Emma, who told reporters she will never forget the blank stares she once received upon mentioning Petula Clark. "It'd be nice to know what everyone's talking about for a change."

It's a fine line, isn't it?

Fat Freddy wrote:

Cool Dad Raising Daughter On Media That Will Put Her Entirely Out Of Touch With Her Generation


RENTON, WA—

Campbell reportedly bought his daughter the Alice Cooper album Billion Dollar Babies on the grounds that the Adam Lambert CD she had begged for—and that all the girls at school had received—was not even a fraction as good as the 1973 masterpiece.

Well, that statement is 100% true

I love the look on the kid's face in the photo. That's the same kind of look you'd give that distant Aunt and Uncle who'd come to your birthday party and bring you a sweater.

Now you don't have to wait impatiently for that image of Jesus or The Virgin Mary to appear in that tub of butter or block of government cheese you just received!

Holy Toast Bread-Stamper!



Order Today!

Led Zeppelin Bumper Stickers Now Probable Cause For Vehicular Search In 13 States

http://www.theonion.com/articles/led-zeppelin-bumper-stickers-now-probable-cause-fo,723/



SPRINGFIELD, IL—With the state legislature's passage of a bill last week allowing police officers to cite Led Zeppelin bumper stickers as probable cause for a vehicular search, Illinois became the 13th state to recognize classic-rock-related automobile decorations as grounds for waiver of a warrant.

"We've known for years that there was a direct correlation between the presence of a Led Zeppelin bumper sticker and the likelihood of that vehicle containing a controlled substance like marijuana," said DeKalb County Sheriff Ronald Bauer. "However, it wasn't until last Thursday that it was within our power to act on this knowledge to make a drug-possession arrest."

Illinois' action comes on the heels of the recent Supreme Court decision that the Fourth Amendment guarantee against unreasonable search and seizure does not require police to obtain a warrant if there is sufficient cause to believe the vehicle contains contraband.

Following the top court's ruling, a number of states, including Utah, North Carolina and Wisconsin, moved to specifically name Led Zeppelin bumper stickers as a factor in determining whether to conduct searches.

The decision, says Bauer, is supported by extensive data. Illinois state records show that in 1998, there were 362 cases in which a traffic-violation-related search of a Led Zeppelin-logo-adorned vehicle was found to contain illegal drugs or such drug paraphernalia as rolling papers, plastic baggies and metal pipes bearing a row of four cryptic symbols.

Yet before the passage of HB 1921, ill-defined definitions of probable cause have meant that an officer acting on this knowledge was entering risky legal territory.

"This is exactly what policemen have been asking for for years," said Bauer, who said the new law will precipitate a "considerable increase" in the frequency of drug-related arrests of motorists by Illinois police, especially in rural areas. "It used to be that if we spotted a car with that crazy-looking wizard on it, we had to just drive right past unless the longhairs inside were specifically doing something illegal."

Illinois Attorney General Jim Ryan applauded passage of the bill.

"After the Supreme Court decision, it was just a matter of fine-tuning our interpretation of 'probable cause,'" Ryan said. "We've found that Led Zeppelin bumper stickers—or, for that matter, just the sound of "The Immigrant Song" or "Livin' Lovin' Maid" coming from an open window—is exactly the sort of smoking gun local authorities needed to establish a baseline for assessing that probable cause."

Ryan continued: "When it comes right down to it, though, prudent officers have always, to a great degree, relied on common sense. If a vehicle, especially a late-'70s American-made sedan with a vinyl top and some rust, also bears a Led Zeppelin sticker, what are the odds the driver is not in frequent possession of drugs or alcohol?"

Preliminary data seems to indicate that this logic is sound. In a Monday-afternoon field test, state troopers detained 100 Peoria-area motorists under the new Criminal Code 861.4/Section 8 (Probable Cause/ZOSO). Nearly 60 percent of the vehicles contained alcohol, drugs or drug paraphernalia, and nearly all contained suspected alcohol or drug abusers.

Rockford resident Doug Wojcek, charged Tuesday with possession of a quarter-ounce of marijuana, was among those arrested under the new law.

"I was minding my own business when some policeman pulls me over and searches my glove compartment," said Wojcek, 36. "It was just like when Robert Plant gets hassled by the cops in that one song 'Misty Mountain Hop.' Hey, what could I do?"

"This is bullshit," he added. "What about the kids with those Nine Inch Nails stickers? No one is going after them."

Despite such complaints, Illinois Gov. George H. Ryan spoke out in support of the law and advocated widening its scope.

"We might have to add provisions for the search of vehicles bearing the Pink Floyd rainbow-and-black-prism, the Blue Öyster Cult symbol, or maybe even the word Ozzy," said Gov. Ryan, noting that many other states had already made these changes. "We cannot allow this law to become discriminatory in practice. It must serve everyone equally."