LOL - The Onion!!!! the official thread

Metal is my Life Number of posts : 12811 Age : 55

Since we all already know what a tool Tipper Gore and her joke known as the PMRC are:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/recently-single-al-gore-finally-able-to-listen-to,17824/

Recently Single Al Gore Finally Able To Listen To W.A.S.P. Albums
AUGUST 2, 2010 | ISSUE 46•31

The former vice president searches for his favorite track on the 1986 album 'Inside The Electric Circus.'

NASHVILLE, TN—Finally unhindered by his wife Tipper's 25-year-long household ban on violent and sexually explicit music, former vice president Al Gore, 62, reportedly embraced his newfound independence this week by listening to the albums of the heavy metal band W.A.S.P.

"For the first time in decades, I get to play the kind of music I like without someone nagging me about what a bad influence it is," said Gore, sitting on the floor of his living room as he cued up the song "Animal (Smurf Like A Beast)" on his stereo. "And I get to crank it up as loud as I want."

"These guys are kicking some serious ass," added the two-term U.S. Senator. "Check out this guitar break coming up—it's nasty."

Gore, who was prohibited from hearing music with graphic sex, violence, or drug references since Tipper founded the Parents Music Resource Center in 1985, confirmed yesterday that her crusade was "total bullcrap." In addition, Gore said that listening to the forbidden W.A.S.P. albums over and over again had not turned him into a satanic dope fiend as his wife and her associates had warned.

Enlarge Image

Gore enlists a couple of old friends to help him "ride the demon."

"It sucked because we always had to listen to garbage like Carly Simon and Lyle Lovett all the time," said Gore, who told reporters that he was "loving" being single again. "That stuff is lame, man. If it doesn't have big balls and bigger riffs, get it out of my stereo!"

According to Gore, being deprived of artists like W.A.S.P., Mötley Crüe, and Ice Cube for so many years only made him more curious. The former presidential candidate claimed that finally hearing them all for the first time was "like having [his] brains shot into outer space."

"I can't believe I wasted half my life helping Tipper put warning labels on this stuff when I could have been seeing these guys do their thing live," Gore said of W.A.S.P. "They used to whip raw meat at the audience. How bad-ass is that?"

"Cause I'm burning, burning, burning up with fi-ire! " added Gore, screaming the lyrics to "Wild Child."

According to Gore's personal assistant Eric Linscott, the Nobel Peace Prize winner has been spending most of each workday gorging himself on the songs "On Your Knees," "The Torture Never Stops," and "Show No Mercy."

"I spent six hours at Best Buy yesterday trying to find these Quiet Riot and N.W.A. albums he was asking for," said Linscott, who claimed he also purchased a mirror etched with the AC/DC logo for Gore's home office. "Whenever I try to talk to him about upcoming meetings or something, he just makes this, like, devil symbol with his hands or starts air-drumming. I'm really hoping this is just a phase."

Sources confirmed that Gore has also been catching up on movies that Tipper would not allow the 62-year-old to view because they contained violence, adult language, or nudity. He recently finished watching Purple Rain nearly 26 years after his wife forced him to turn it off because the song "Darling Nikki" contains references to masturbation.

Gore also announced plans to stay up all night watching Porky's, Fast Times At Ridgemont High, Red Dawn, and The Terminator.

"Why would I need Tipper when I've got all this?" said Gore, gesturing toward stacks of compact discs, vinyl albums, VHS cassettes, DVDs, and Nintendo games. "I'll tell you one thing: If she thinks I miss her, then she's out of her mind, because I don't. I'm living the dream here, my friend. I'm not lonely at all."

Added Gore, "Not lonely at all."

In related news, family sources reported that Tipper Gore has been enjoying her newfound freedom by taking 20-minute showers and leaving the lights on all day.

King Of Kaiju Number of posts : 30892 Age : 64

LOL - The Onion!!!! *the official thread* 201269

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"The cat is the most ruthless, most terrifying of animals." - Spock in the "Catspaw" episode of ToS Season 2.

Bukkake Tsunami Number of posts : 25557 Age : 53

Quote :: "Cause I'm burning, burning, burning up with fi-ire! " added Gore, screaming the lyrics to "Wild Child."

This made me laugh out loud. Man, I haven't visited the Onion's website in awhile. Looks like I've got some reading to catch up on.

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I used to be with it, but then they changed what "it" was. Now what I'm with isn't it, and what's it seems weird and scary to me, and it'll happen to you, too.

Metal, Movies, Beer Number of posts : 37954 Age : 54

Gawd, I love The Onion.

Quote :: "Whenever I try to talk to him about upcoming meetings or something, he just makes this, like, devil symbol with his hands or starts air-drumming. I'm really hoping this is just a phase."

Quote :: In related news, family sources reported that Tipper Gore has been enjoying her newfound freedom by taking 20-minute showers and leaving the lights on all day.

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"If you're a false, don't entry, because you'll be burned and died!"

Metal is in my blood Number of posts : 4201 Age : 39

Metal is my Life Number of posts : 40887 Age : 56

Very funny stuff !

mini boss Number of posts : 21101 Age : 54

Metal is my Life Number of posts : 13862 Age : 49

That is classic!

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LOL - The Onion!!!! *the official thread* Metal_metropolis_logo2

Heart of Metal Number of posts : 1466 Age : 51

Awesome. They did one a while ago with Twisted Sister deciding to take it Very Happy

Metal master Number of posts : 913 Age : 32

The lost Ramone Number of posts : 6557 Age : 34

The former presidential candidate claimed that finally hearing them all for the first time was "like having [his] brains shot into outer space."

LOL - The Onion!!!! *the official thread* Icon_biggrin

Metal is my Life Number of posts : 12811 Age : 55

http://www.theonion.com/articles/father-doesnt-understand-teenage-sons-obsession-wi,5189/

Laughing very hard

Master Of The Crotch Grab Number of posts : 6841 Age : 50

That was awesome

Guest

Christian Rockers Deny Kicking Ass

"It really hurts me that anybody would say that about us," said Wÿtness drummer Walt Shep, 26. "Yes, our music may 'rock' to some extent, but it's certainly not about kicking ass—it's about transcending earthly sin."

http://www.theonion.com/articles/christian-rockers-deny-kicking-ass,1665/

lol!

Guest

*stickied this thread*

The Prophet of Dio Number of posts : 1348 Age : 29

Shawn D. wrote:: *stickied this thread*

This is the best thing I've read all day.

Guest

holydiver97595 wrote:

Shawn D. wrote:: *stickied this thread*

This is the best thing I've read all day.

Cool. now post some articles from The Onion. I'm too lazy.

lol!

Scurvy Skalliwag Number of posts : 12851 Age : 60

Shawn D. wrote:: *stickied this thread*

is that like having a torn eleastic band on your tighty-whiteys

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LOL - The Onion!!!! *the official thread* Th?id=OIP.Mf8_L3e01kyREFChW4XK_gEsDG&w=299&h=198&c=7&qlt=90&o=4&dpr=1.25&pid=1

Guest

James B. wrote:

Shawn D. wrote:: *stickied this thread*

is that like having a torn eleastic band on your tighty-whiteys

I like mine with colors. (not yellow or brown) Laughing very hard

Metal, Movies, Beer Number of posts : 37954 Age : 54

Bassist Unaware Rock Band is Christian
ORLANDO, FL—Brad Rolen, the new bassist for Pillar Of Salt, remains oblivious to the fact that he is in a Christian rock band, sources reported Tuesday.

"Pillar's great," said Rolen, 22, who is unaware of his bandmates' devotion to Christ, despite playing on such songs as "Wade In The Water," "Eternal Life," and "Kiss Of The Betrayer." "We rock really heavy and hard, but we've got a positivity that you don't see in too many bands these days. I've only been with these guys for three months, but I feel like it's the perfect fit for me."

Rolen, who joined the Orlando-based band in March after responding to a "bassist wanted" ad in a local newspaper, said he was attracted to Pillar Of Salt for its music, which he calls "really intense and powerful," as well as its impressive stage show.

"I was between bands after Junkhorse broke up," Rolen said. "I went to check them out live and was just blown away. They had this awesome Black Sabbath-type stage set, with all these crucifixes and candles everywhere. Then, during [the song] 'False Idol,' a gold cow rose from the stage and [lead singer and songwriter] Jack [Rhineman] beat the sh*t out of it with his guitar. I thought, man, these guys put on a kick-ass show."

Rolen was also wowed by the range of Rhineman's music.

"Jack's amazing," Rolen said. "He writes all these super-heavy, Metallica-influenced tunes like 'My Master' and 'Blood Of My Father,' but then he'll turn around and write a killer love song like 'Thank You (For Saving Me).'"

"Actually, Jack writes a lot of songs about chicks," Rolen continued. "'Your Love,' 'When You Return,' 'I Confess'... I don't know if they're all about the same girl or lots of different ones, but one thing's for sure: Jack loves the p*ssy."

Rolen said he is awed by his new bandmates' encyclopedic knowledge of heavy metal and hard rock.

"At the audition, [drummer] Greg [Roberts] said Pillar Of Salt was going for a Believer-meets-Living Sacrifice sound," Rolen said. "I didn't know jack about either of those bands, but I knew I could play bass like a motherf*cker, and that's what got me the gig. Afterwards, I asked Greg what Living Sacrifice sounded like, and at the first practice, he gave me a tape. It's not Slayer, but it rocks. He's given me some other stuff by Whitecross, Third Day, and Stigmata. I've always prided myself on knowing metal, but these guys put me to shame. They must really have their ears to the ground to know all this music I've never heard before."

Because Rhineman and Roberts are both in what they call "a committed relationship with someone very special," Rolen has found himself to be the only member of Pillar Of Salt open to "hot groupie action." But despite having the band's female fans all to himself, Rolen has had little success.

"A lot of hot chicks are really into Pillar Of Salt," Rolen said. "After our first few shows, I thought I'd be getting more trim than a barbershop floor, but it hasn't worked out that way. Whenever I ask them to come back to the bus with me, they say, 'I can't do that—that's not right.' I'm like, 'Come on, this is rock 'n' roll.'"

Though he said he loves playing with Pillar Of Salt, Rolen conceded that the relationship has not been without its moments of tension. He recently became upset with his bandmates over their unwillingness to play concerts on Sunday. "We got an offer to play at the weekly Sunday Metal Spotlight down in Tampa, which would expose us to a whole new audience," Rolen said. "The guys said playing the Spotlight wasn't an option because Sunday was their 'day of rest.' Hey, I like kicking back and decompressing on Sundays, too, but we're a young band trying to establish ourselves. These guys need to get their priorities straight if they're serious about making it." Pillar Of Salt is currently preparing to embark on a U.S. tour in support of its debut album, Sanctified, to be released June 10 on the band's own Witness Records label.

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Metal, Movies, Beer Number of posts : 37954 Age : 54

God Finally Gives Shout-Out Back to all His Niggaz

SOUTH BRONX, NY—The Lord Almighty finally responded to nearly two decades of praise in hip-hop album liner notes Monday, when He gave a shout-out back to all His loyal niggaz.

Rappers Method Man and Redman give big ups to God (inset).
"Right about now, I want to send a shout-out to each and every nigga who's shown Me love through the years," said the Lord, His booming voice descending from Heaven. "I got mad love for each and every one of you niggaz. Y'all real niggaz out there, you know who you are. Y'all was there for me, and it's about time I'm-a give some love back to God's true crew."

"All y'all niggaz, y'all be My niggaz," the Lord added.

As of press time, God has thanked nearly 7,000 of His niggaz, including those in New York's Bad Boy and Ruff Ryders posses, the No Limit soldiers and Cash Money Millionaires holdin' it down in New Orleans, Nelly and the whole St. Lunatics crew, Busta and the rest of the Flipmode Squad, His peeps from back in the day, and all the real ruffneck niggaz in lockdown. He also sent shout-outs to everybody in the Old School, as well as to Lil' Bow Wow and all the other new niggaz just coming up.

"Mad props to P. Diddy, Jay-Z, DMX, Lil' Kim, Mystikal, Eve, Ja Rule, Jadakiss, Trick Daddy, and Xzibit. And one love to Meth, RZA, GZA, Ghostface, and the rest of My real niggaz in the Wu-Tang Clan," the deity said. "These My beloved niggaz, with whom I be well-pleased."

Now nearing the 48-hour mark, the Lord's first-ever reciprocal shout-out shows little sign of slowing down. Based on estimates of the number of rappers who have thanked Him in liner notes over the past 20 years, hip-hop experts say the historic shout-out is likely to continue through early next week.

In addition to rap's current stars, God offered shout-outs to the original hip-hop heads, including such pioneers of the art form as Grandmaster Flash, Busy Bee, Melle Mel, Jazzy Jay, Kool Moe Dee, Afrika Bambaataa, DJ Red Alert, the Cold Crush Brothers, Fab 5 Freddy, Kurtis Blow, Kool Herc, and the Funky 4+1.

God also offered shout-outs to the many DJs, record labels, magazines, TV shows, and radio stations that have tirelessly supported hip-hop over the years. Among them are Def Jam, Tommy Boy, Jive, Roc-A-Fella, Rap Pages, The Source, Right On!, The Box, Funkmaster Flex, Ed Lover and Dr. Dre, WBLS 107.5, KISS-FM, and Hot 97.

"For supporting the many artists who have supported Me so faithfully, I say thank you," God said. "All praise to Devante Harrell, Wanda Simmons, LaShell Thomas, and everybody else at Uptown/MCA for making this possible."

As a further sign of His love for the hip-hop community, God assured the nation's rappers that He is taking good care of all their peers currently with Him in heaven.

"Tupac, Notorious B.I.G., Eazy-E, Scott LaRock—some of y'all niggaz are already up in this bitch," the Lord said. "For those of you who were left behind, know that the Lord has got your dead homies' backs. Faith [Evans], I promise I'm taking real good care of your Biggie. He resting in crazy peace, no doubt."

Thus far, God has not played favorites, thanking such fallen-off acts as Hammer and Vanilla Ice in the same breath as vital artists whose careers are still going strong. The Lord has also seen fit to thank the little-known likes of Baby Tragic, DJ Phreek Malik, and Da Ill Collector—MCs so obscure that virtually no one within the hip-hop community has heard of them. All rappers, God explained, are equal in His sight, and none are too small to escape His notice.

"God sees even the smallest sparrow fall," said Dr. Cornel West, Harvard University professor of African-American studies and philosophy of religion. "The same is true of MCs: Whether a major superstar or a complete unknown, all rappers are His children, and He loves them all."

The sheer volume of names notwithstanding, the nation's rappers are deeply touched by God's gesture of tribute and appreciation, with many stating that they "feelin' Him."

"God is the Original," Brooklyn-based rapper Mos Def said. "The world is ruled by the wealthy and the wicked, but all respect due to the Creator who made this world and who will one day bring justice to the wicked and righteous alike."

Despite the overwhelmingly positive response among rappers, the Lord is drawing fire in certain circles for His use of the word "nigga." On Monday's Larry King Live, conservative activist Rev. Calvin Butts, a longtime ally of the Lord, blasted Him for His "shocking, unexpected use of the racially loaded N-word." Some concerned parties, including decency crusader C. Delores Tucker, Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT), and members of the San Francisco-based What About The Children? Foundation, are calling for a boycott of church services until God issues an apology.

Reacting to the controversy, many in the hip-hop community are rushing to the Lord's defense.

"The word 'nigga' means different things depending on how it's used and who's saying it," rap legend and Public Enemy frontman Chuck D said. "Judging from context, God obviously wasn't being derogatory. He was using 'nigga' as a blanket term of affection for all His true supporters on the rap scene. At one point, He said, 'I wanna give a shout-out to Ad-Rock, MC Serch, and my man Dan The Automator—all y'all is real niggaz in My all-benevolent sight.' Considering the fact that Ad-Rock and Serch are Jewish, and the Automator is Asian-American, it's clear God isn't talking about race here. He's just paying respect to all those who have paid respect to Him."

"God's the ultimate playa, so naturally He's going to have some haters," rapper Ice Cube said. "But these haters need to realize that if you mess with the man upstairs, you will get your ass smote. True dat."

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The Prophet of Dio Number of posts : 1348 Age : 29

Thanks, FF!

Metal, Movies, Beer Number of posts : 37954 Age : 54

Letter From Employer Thankfully Omits Balls-Copying Incident
SAN FRANCISCO - Randall Konerko, a 39 year old database administrator looking for a new job in the field, was relieved to learn Monday that a recommendation letter from his former employer makes no reference to the Oct. 22 balls-copying incident that led to his dismissal.
"Whew, that's a relief," Konerko said after an interview with Luminant Worldwide. "I was sure Mr. Allan would mention that whole thing, but thankfully he didn't."
Konerko has made a promise to himself never to engage in testicular Xeroxing at his next job, even if it's 2 A.M. and the office appears to be empty.

Monkfish Wishes Monkfish Weren't All the Rage
BOOTHBAY HARBOR, MAINE - A local monkfish bemoaned the culinary trendiness of his species Monday. "It's nice to be the fish of the moment, of course," said the monkfish, avoiding one of the many fishing lines littering his Gulf of Maine seabed ever since the October issue of Gourmet Magazine proclaimed him "the new Dorado." "And yes, my flesh is firm, sweet, low in fat, and similar to lobster. But it hardly compares to the pleasures of, say, a nice tilapia sauteed with lime." He further urged people who feel they must consume members of the family Squatinidae to try angel sharks, who he described as "a**holes."

Steve Vai Impresses the Hell Out of Neighborhood Kids
GLENDALE, CA. - Rock guitarist Steve Vai wowed a group of neighborhood children with his spectactular guitar pyrotechnics Monday. "His behind-the-head guitar solo was so wicked," said Jimmy Hetzel, 11, one of six children blown away by Vail's fretboard wizardry. "he also did this thing where he held the guitar between his legs and played it with a bow." The impromptu performance is believed to be the most impressive display of its kind since September 2000, when Joe Satriani "showed off a few licks" at a Southfield, MI. bar mitzvah.

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"If you're a false, don't entry, because you'll be burned and died!"

If it jams it jams Number of posts : 1023 Age : 125

http://www.theonion.com/video/today-now-interviews-the-5yearold-screenwriter-of,20188/

An old one, but one of my favorites.