TODAY I WATCHED... (Movies, TV) 2021

Well, I did it. I spent my July 4th running the table on the "Jaws" series, and in the process, I witnessed the Law of Diminshing Returns first hand.

"Jaws 2" (1978)

Chief Brody and the people of Amity have another shark problem, and this time the critter has its sights set on a group of teens out on a sailing trip. Cue more splashing, chomping, and screaming.
Obviously this flick pales against Spielberg's original but it's actually a pretty decent creature feature in its own right, with a lot of action and another decent performance by Roy Scheider (who apparently didn't want to do the movie, but he was contractually obligated to do so). Besides, when you compare "2" to the sequels that followed, it looks like solid gold.

"Jaws 3-D" (1983)

Chief Brody's now grown sons are working at the Sea World amusement park in Florida, which is preparing to open a new underwater attraction when a great white wanders in from the ocean and starts snacking on innocent employees. Most of the cast over-acts (especially Louis Gossett Jr. as the gruff park manager) and the 3-D effects, which I'm told weren't even that good in the theater, look ridiculous when flattened out for 2-D viewing. Overall, the whole movie looks like a cheap made-for-TV flick. The Sea World tie-in also seems like a weird bit of product placement, too, now that I think about it. Why the hell would they want their park featured in a movie where the customers get eaten by the exhibits?

But even in 2-D, "Jaws 3-D" looks like Shakespeare compared to...

"Jaws: The Revenge" (1987)

The now-widowed Ellen Brody has lost her youngest son Sean, an Amity Police patrolman, to a shark attack. Convinced that sharks have something personal against her, she visits her last remaining son and his family in the Bahamas, where she romances a local pilot (Michael Caine) before yet another Great White shows up and ruins everything. Apparently we're supposed to believe that the same shark swam from Amity all the way to the Bahamas for the express purpose of finishing Ellen and her family off, or something. Anyway, the tropical scenery is nice to look at (especially after the dark, murky "3-D") but the ludicrous plot and hilariously cheap looking mechanical shark sank this one pretty quick. Worth a look only if you're a glutton for punishment (like me).
I actually saw "Revenge" during its theatrical run when I was in high school. I feel like I'm one of only a few dozen people who can make that claim.

"Frozen" (2010)

Three skiiers find themselves stranded fifty feet in the air when the chair lift shuts down for the night while they're still on it. As darkness falls and the weather gets worse, the trio has to battle the elements, each other - and eventually, a pack of hungry wolves -- to stay alive.
...obviously this is not to be confused with the Disney movie by the same name!
Adam "Hatchet" Green's effective, wintry survival thriller makes the most of its simple premise, and keeps the tension cranked up throughout. I don't ski, but I imagine that if I did, this movie would be my worst nightmare come to life. Good stuff.

The Dead(2010)-an American soldier finds himself stranded in Africa during the zombie apocalypse after his plane crashes. Teaming up with a local soldier, the two must traverse the African desert to try to reach a military base while trying to avoid hordes of zombies and not end up on the menu. While not in the league of some of the classic Romero and Fulci classics, this is still an above average entry in the zombie sweepstakes and is still lots better than other zombie films I've seen over the years. Followed by a sequel a few years later(The Dead 2-India)which I'm looking forward to checking out. 2.5/5

Loki episode 5

"Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama" (aka "The Imp," 1988)


...how could anyone possibly pass up a title like that?

A group of sorority pledges are assigned to break into the bowling alley at the local mall after hours, and come back with a trophy. Unfortunately the trophy they pick happens to have a jive talking demon inside of it, which they accidentally set free. The "Imp" then proceeds to turn the girls into mind-controlled zombies and... well, let's just say things get even sillier from there.

Yeah, this is some real high concept shit, folks!  

This "USA Up All Night" staple from director David "Creepozoids" DeCoteau is a total moron movie, of course, but it had a few legit laughs and lots of pretty girls in various states of undress. Scream queen Linnea Quigley of "Return of the Living Dead" and "Chopping Mall" fame actually puts in one of her better performances.  

Make no mistake, this movie is terrible, but it's enjoyably terrible.

Paranormal Caught On Camera

"Ready Player One" (2018)

Steven Spielberg directed this elaborate fantasy/sci-fi adventure set in the overcrowded, dystopian world of 2045, where everyone prefers to spend their time in "Oasis," a virtual reality universe, than in the crappy real world. A gamer and his friends must uncover a priceless treasure hidden deep within the game by its late creator, before goons from a rival corporation can get their hands on it and destroy their virtual paradise.
As you might expect from a Spielberg movie, "Ready Player One" is a visual treat, with impressive effects, plus it's fun to spot the many "Easter egg" nods to movie/TV/video game/pop culture franchises from days gone by, including "Back to the Future," "The Iron Giant," "Gremlins," "Batman," "Gundam," "Mecha-Godzilla" and tons more. (There's even a Holy Hand Grenade reference!). At nearly two and a half hours "R.P.O." is probably just a hair overlong but overall I enjoyed this one more than I expected.

"Billy Madison" (1995)

The idiotic heir to a hotel empire (Adam Sandler) must re-take all 12 grades of elementary and high school to prove he's smart enough to inherit the company in this lowbrow comedy. Sandler plays his standard "annoying man-child who's really a nice guy deep down" character yet again as "Billy" hangs out with school kids, romances his hot teacher, and finally gets a chance to show he's not so dumb after all. This movie's silly as hell but it's always been a guilty pleasure of mine, full of laughs and quotable bits.

Black Widow (2021)



Latest entry in the MCU, this much delayed film due to the pandemic, deals with what the heroine was up to between Captain America:Civil War and Avengers:Infinity War. Playing like an espionage film (very James Bond-like), it has plenty of action and is a very enjoyable film, with a post credit scene setting up a future series.

"Chopping Mall" (aka "Killbots," 1986)


Teenage mall employees are planning an all night party after the stores close. Unfortunately they've been targeted by the mall's trio of high tech security robots, who have turned homicidal due to a lightning strike on their control computer.
This fast moving, so-'80s-it-hurts sci-fi/horror comedy has an absolutely ridiculous premise, of course, but the young cast totally sells it, the robots are pretty cool looking, and it has one of the best exploding-head scenes ever filmed. Tons of dumb fun.

The best review I ever read of this movie called it "'Short Circuit' on crack," which is actually pretty accurate.

"Fear Street Part 1: 1994" (2021)

"Scream"-esque teen horror about a group of small town high schoolers who get caught up in a lethal local legend that's been piling up bodies for generations. Decent performances by the young cast, a sweet '90s centric soundtrack (Iron Maiden, Soundgarden, Bush, White Zombie, NIN) and a fair amount of ultra-violence and gore.
This is the first in a Netflix trilogy based on the series of teen-horror books by R.L. Stine of "Goosebumps" fame. I was entertained enough by this to tune in for the next installment ("1978") sometime soon.

"GORP" (1980)

Wacky hijinks among the sex crazed counselors and kitchen staff at a summer camp for Jewish kids. Basically, this is 90 minutes of pranks, farts, food fights, girls in short-shorts, and sexual/bathroom humor that only 12-year-old boys would find funny.

This mostly forgotten teen-sex comedy obviously wants to be another "Meatballs" or "Animal House," but the difference is, those movies still had a plot in the middle of all the mayhem. "GORP" doesn't ... it's just a bunch of scenes of various loud, obnoxious characters doing stupid stuff, strung together till it hits feature length.

There are a couple of legit chuckles here 'n there, plus you can watch for some future big names payin' their early-career B-Movie dues -- young Rosanna Arquette and Fran Drescher are two of the female counselors, and a baby-faced Dennis Quaid plays a gun-crazed military cadet who may well have been the blueprint for "Tackleberry" in the "Police Academy" series.

Overall GORP is silly, disposable junk.

By the way, I had to look up what the hell "GORP" meant, because the movie never mentions the term, or explains it ... apparently it's summer camp slang for trail mix (the initials stand for "Good Ole Raisins and Peanuts")... or as the film poster puts it, "a collection of nuts and flakes," which actually sums this movie up pretty well.

Loki season finale

Bruce Dickinson - "Dive! Dive! Live!" (from Anthology DVD)



Very cool gig from Bruce's first solo tour supporting the Tattooed Millionaire album. Taped in L.A. in 1990, he performs most of the T.M. album and covers AC/DC's " Sin City," Samson's "Riding With The Angels," and Deep Purple's "Black Night" for good measure.

"Bill & Ted Face the Music" (2020)


More than 25 years after their last time traveling adventure, the now middle-aged Bill and Ted (Alex Winter and Keanu Reeves) still haven't written "the song" that will supposedly bring peace and harmony to the Universe and fulfill their destiny. When they get a message from the future that they are rapidly running out of time to do so, they start scrambling across dimensions looking for inspiration, while their daughters (who are basically Mini-Me's of the 1989 versions of B & T) use the time traveling phone booth to recruit history's most bad-ass musicians for their Dads' backing band.
"Face the Music" isn't quite the slapstick laugh riot that the previous "B & T" flicks were, but it's still a goofy good time. Winter and Reeves fall right back into their old groove and there are quite a few legit laughs. Keep your expectations low and you might be pleasantly surprised.

Paranormal Caught On Camea

"Fear Street Part 2: 1978" (2021)

In part 2 of the Netflix horror trilogy, the sibling survivors of the previous film learn about a similar murder spree that took place at a local summer camp in 1978, from the only person who lived to tell the tale.
"Part 1" was heavy on the "Scream" vibes, but "1978" is essentially an homage to old school slasher flicks ala "Friday the 13th" or "Sleepaway Camp," with a supernatural edge. This one took a little while to get into gear, but the mayhem was impressive in the last half.
I think I preferred the first movie over this one, but I'm invested enough now to check out the third and final (?) chapter, "1666," which hit Netflix this weekend, I believe.

"Special Mission Lady Chaplin" (1967)

Third and final film in the series of Italian/Spanish James Bond knockoffs starring Ken Clark as CIA agent Dick Malloy, aka "077." This time he's sent to Europe to find a payload of nuclear missiles stolen from a sunken U.S. submarine. The "Lady Chaplin" of the title is a fashion designer who also dabbles in international arms dealing, played by Italian mega-babe Daniela Bianchi of "From Russia With Love" fame.
This is the best of the three "Malloy" flicks, with lots of cool European scenery, constant action, and lots of pretty girls. It's one of the few "Eurospy" movies that I've bothered to see more than once.

Twilight Zone - Season 3, disc 3

"Don't get on that ship! The rest of the book...it's...it's a cookbook!!!!"

Ohio Valley Wrestling

"Jennifer's Body" (2009)

The unlikely friendship between a nerdy high school girl (Amanda Seyfried) and her gorgeous cheerleader BFF (Megan Fox) gets complicated when Fox is possessed by a demonic "Succubus" spirit and begins snacking on her fellow students. A gory, snarky, tongue in cheek horror comedy in the vein of the "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" TV series, with great performances by the two leading ladies. This movie wasn't very well received when it first came out, but it's developed a cult following over the years. Worth checking out.

"Lady Bloodfight" (2016)

A lady martial artist travels from the U.S.A. to Hong Kong to search for her long lost father. In the process, she crosses paths with a Ms. Miyagi type who trains her for the "Kumite," a no-holds-barred tournament where she ends up fighting against some of the world's best female martial artists. Much butt is kicked.

...if this plot sounds familiar, it's probably because this is pretty much a gender swapped retread of the Jean Claude Van Damme oldie "Bloodsport" (apparently the film's working title was even "Lady Bloodsport."). So it may not be the most original thing I've ever seen, but it's entertainingly ultra-violent junk, with impressively brutal martial arts sequences full of bone crunching and blood splashing. Better than I expected.

Two Evil Eyes(1990)-Horror masters George Romero and Dario Argento come together to bring us two tales based on the works of Edgar Allan Poe. The first story(The Facts in the Case of Mr. Valdemar)involves a wealthy, but very sick old man who dies while in a hypnotic trance. His wife and her boyfriend thinks they are finally rid of him and be together and enjoy her husbands money, but discover that there are not finished with him as his soul is now trapped between the living world and the dead one. The second story(The Black Cat)a photographer murders his girlfriend, but is haunted by her beloved pet cat. A very solid offering of old school horror filmmaking with some cool effects by the legendary Tom Savini, who has a small cameo in the film. 2.5

"Gunpowder Milkshake" (2021)

A female assassin-for-hire (Karen Gillan of "Dr. Who" and "Jumanji") becomes a target when she fails to complete an assignment in order to save a little girl.
This cartoonish Netflix shoot'em up is pretty much a girl-power "John Wick," with a slightly more tongue-in-cheek feel. The stunt work and non stop ultra-violence are impressive; Gillan's got decent action heroine moves and the supporting cast includes fellow female bad-asses Lena Headey, Angela Bassett, and Michelle Yeoh.
Like a real milkshake, this flick is fun while it lasts, but ultimately it's just a bunch of empty calories.

Mansfield 66/67. A documentary on the blonde bombshell. From her rise in popularity, to her ties with Anton LaVey and to her tragic death.