Jokes...

This guy goes up to his friend and tells him, "I'm worried that my wife is being unfaithful. I asked her where she was last night and she told me that she spent the night with her sister." His friend says, "Why do you think she's being unfaithful?" He replies, "I spent the night with her sister".

Why can't goblins have children? They have hallow weenies.

Troublemagnet sounds intelligent when engaging in political discussions

Mglaffas81 wrote:

Troublemagnet sounds intelligent when engaging in political discussions

What is the different between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts cost a dollar fifty and deer nuts are under a buck!

Here's one I heard quite a while back but I only remember some of it so I found it on a website:

This good looking man walks into an agents office in Hollywood and says "I want to be a movie-star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway.... He had all the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis Von Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are gonna have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The Von Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever !"

The agent said "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years..... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis Von Lesbian !! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name, or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it!! I guess, we will not do business together," the guy said....and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER.....

The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awestruck

....Who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed......

" Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Von Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,
Dick Van Dyke

DallasBlack wrote:

Here's one I heard quite a while back but I only remember some of it so I found it on a website:

This good looking man walks into an agents office in Hollywood and says "I want to be a movie-star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway.... He had all the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis Von Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are gonna have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The Von Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever !"

The agent said "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years..... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis Von Lesbian !! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name, or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it!! I guess, we will not do business together," the guy said....and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER.....

The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awestruck

....Who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed......

" Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Von Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,
Dick Van Dyke

Ahahah, nice!

Here's a variation on one submitted earlier:

A man is riding his horse through a forest and sees a leprechaun with his leg stuck in a hole. Being a nice guy, he stops and helps the little guy get free. The leprechaun is so grateful, he tells the man he can have three wishes. The man thinks a bit and says, "Okay. I wish I had the bank account of Nelson Rockefeller, the body of Arnold Schwarzenegger, and I wish I was hung like my horse." The leprechaun says, "When you wake up tomorrow, your wishes will have come true."

Next morning the man gets out of bed and grabs his bank book and has billions of dollars. He turns to the mirror and takes off his shirt and his body is exactly like Arnold's in his prime. Then he drops his pants. "Dammit! I was riding Bessie yesterday!"

A skeleton walks into a bar, orders a beer and a mop...

Two hillbillies are having lunch when a woman seated nearby begins to choke. Hillbilly asks her,"kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Hillbilly asks her "kin ya breathe?" Woman shakes her head no. Hillbilly walks over,lifts up her dress, yanks down britches and licks her butt cheek. The woman has a violent spasm and spits out food. The hillbillies' buddy says "ya know,I heerd of that there hind lick maneuver but I aint niver seed nobody do it".....

^^^

I've heard it before and it still makes me laugh.

A little long, but worth the read, IMO!

A guy in a bar walks up to the bartender and says, "I'll bet you ten bucks I can bite my right eye." The bartender takes the bet and the guy takes out his glass eye, bites it, and puts it back in. The bartender gives him ten bucks. The guy says, "When I win, everybody wins. Give everyone in the house a drink!"

A little while later he comes back up. "I'll give you a chance to win your money back. I bet you another ten bucks I can bite my left eye." The bartender thinks, "No way can he have two glass eyes," so he takes the bet. The guy takes out his false teeth, bites his left eye, and puts his teeth back in. The bartender gives him another ten bucks. The guy says, "When I win, everybody wins. Give everyone in the house a drink!"

The guy comes back a little bit later and says, "Bartender, I'll give you a chance to win back your money. I'll bet you twenty bucks that if you put a shot glass on the bar, I can step back ten paces, pee into the glass and not spill a drop." The bartender says, "There is no way, I'll take the bet." So they set it up, the guy steps back ten paces and lets loose. He pees all over the bar and doesn't get a single drop in the shot glass. The bartender busts out laughing and says, "I told you. Pay up!" The guy gives him twenty bucks and then says, "When I win, everybody wins. Give everyone in the house a drink!" The bartender says, "Wait a minute. You didn't win. You didn't get a single drop in the glass." The guy says, "Yeah. But see that guy over in the corner? I just bet him a thousand bucks that I could p*ss all over your bar and you'd laugh about it!"

Ah, good one QuothTheRaven!

Thank you. I'll be here all week!

QuothTheRaven wrote:

Thank you. I'll be here all week!

Now you're threatening us?

A backwoods country boy (an idiot savant with car engines) comes to the city to work in an automotive shop. He's staying at a cousin's house with her husband (who owns the shop) until he can be left on his own but all he owns are some t-shirts and a ratty pair of overalls. The husband says if he's going to work here he's going to need some better clothes so he takes him to Wal-Mart. While there the country boy sees a thermos and asks the man what it is. He says, "That is a thermos. It keeps cold drinks cold and hot drinks hot." Well the country boy is excited and amazed and asks if he could get one so the man buys it for him. The next morning his cousin comes downstairs to see the country boy all dressed up in his new work clothes with the thermos in his hand and a big dumb grin on his face. She says, "Morning Jubal. You sure look nice in your new work clothes. What's that in your hand?" He says, "Well this is called a Thermoose! It keeps cold drinks cold and hot drinks hot!" "Well, it sure is a nice one. What you got in there?" "Two cups of coffee and a glass of iced tea!"

Actual joke told to me by my 8 year old:

Q: What do vegetarian zombies eat?
A: Graaaaaaiiiiiiins!!!

...not bad, not bad.

Fat Freddy wrote:

Actual joke told to me by my 8 year old:

Q: What do vegetarian zombies eat?
A: Graaaaaaiiiiiiins!!!

...not bad, not bad.

Hahaha, that's actually pretty good!

What's the great thing about twenty five year-olds?



....there's twenty of them

This guy complains to his friend about how he is bored with his wife sexually. His friend says to him, "Well, if you're looking for variety, why don't you just...you know...turn her over on her other side?" He says, "What, and have a house full of kids?"

When I first read that joke, I didn't think it was that funny, but when I tell it to people I get a kick out of it.

Those last two made me smile

A Horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks "Why the long face?"

the Horse says "I have AIDS."

Grafiti From Benny Hill:

Blow your mind...smoke dynamite.

What's black & blue and floats upside down in the Irish Sea?...An Englishman who keeps telling Irish jokes.

If your nose runs and your feet smell...you were born upside down.

EvyMetal wrote:

A Horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks "Why the long face?"

the Horse says "I have AIDS."

This made me chuckle.

Have you ever had Ethiopian food?


Neither have they