Jokes...

thejokeriv wrote:

What do you call a lezbo dinosaur? A lickalottapus

A truck driver had a habit of, whenever he saw a lawyer on the side of the road, swerving to hit him. He got no greater pleasure out of life than the sound of the lawyer going *thump-thump* underneath his wheels. One day, he saw a happy, smiling priest standing on the side of the road. Being a good Samaritan (despite the whole laywer deal), he pulls over and says,

"Father, do you need a lift?"

"Why, yes, thank you."

The drole little priest climbs up into the cab, and the truck driver heads off. After a short while, he sees a lawyer on the side of the road, and out of habit swerves towards him. Suddenly, he remembers he has a priest, a holy man, next to him, and he frantically tries to avoid hitting the lawyer. *thump*

"Father, I, uh, I think I came close to hitting that lawyer back there."

"Oh, don't worry," replied the priest. "I got him with the door."

A salesman is walking through a neighborhood one night and stops at a house and knocks on the door. The door opens, and a child of about nine years old is standing there with a bottle of whiskey in one hand and a cigar in the other. The salesman asks, "Hi, are your parents home?" A big grin spreads over the child's face, "Does it f**king look like they are?"

A man is stranded on an island with a pig and a dog. After several years his manly urges got too strong to resist so he decided to make a decision, the dog or the pig. He feels the pig was a safer choice but before he can do anything the dog comes running toward him barking and snarling at the man blocking his way to the pig.

He found a bone from one of his meals and throws it to the dog. While the dog is destracted he takes the pig to a cave some miles away. Again before he can do anything, the dog comes running and barking.

He then decides to tie the dog to a tree so he can be alone with the pig. However, when he got back to the pig he heard a distant barking and soon enough, he sees the dog running toward him dragging the tree behind him barking. He decides to give up becuase of the difficulty.

The next day he hears a cry for help comming from the sea and sees a woman getting close to drowning. He swims out to rescue her and brings her ashore. It turns out it's Hilary Clinton. Thankful she says, "If there is anything I can do to repay you, I mean ANYTHING, you just name it."

He thinks for a second and says, "Do you mind holding that dog?"

A terminally ill old man awakens one day to the aroma of baking cookies. He jumps out of bed, and he darts down the stairs to the kitchen and takes a cookie off the plate. His wife comes out of nowhere, smacks him on the hand and says, "No, those are for the funeral!"

Oh that's harsh. Funny though.

Thanks for the laughs. Some of those were great!

This has been a personal favorite of mine for several years now:

These three guys go on a ski trip together, and all of the hotel rooms are booked except for one bedroom with one room. So, they take the bedroom. When they wake up the next morning, one of the guys says, "I had the strangest dream where I was being jerked off last night". One of the other guys says, "Hmm...that's odd, I had the same dream". The guy in the middle of the bed says, "Uh-oh....I dreamed I was skiing".

One morning, a young girl awakens to find a goblin wandering around in her garden. She races out downstairs and out of her front door into the garden and runs up to him and says, "Hey, I caught you, so now you have to grant me three wishes!" So the goblin says, "Okay what is your first wish?" and the girl replies, "I would like a Rolls Royce." "Okay, what about your second?" The girl says, "I'd like a million dollars!" "Your third wish?" to which the girl answers, "To live in a beautiful mansion!"

The goblin then proceeds to tell her that in order for her wishes to come true, she must first have sex with him all night long.

So, they get it on all night and the next morning the goblin rolls over and asks the girl, "Hey, just out of curiosity, just hold are you?" to which she replies, "Well, I'm twenty-seven."

The goblin breaks out in a fit of laughter: "Well, f**k me, I didn't think it feasible for a twenty-seven year old to still believe in goblins!"

TheDoctor'sScarf wrote:

One morning, a young girl awakens to find a goblin wandering around in her garden. She races out downstairs and out of her front door into the garden and runs up to him and says, "Hey, I caught you, so now you have to grant me three wishes!" So the goblin says, "Okay what is your first wish?" and the girl replies, "I would like a Rolls Royce." "Okay, what about your second?" The girl says, "I'd like a million dollars!" "Your third wish?" to which the girl answers, "To live in a beautiful mansion!"

The goblin then proceeds to tell her that in order for her wishes to come true, she must first have sex with him all night long.

So, they get it on all night and the next morning the goblin rolls over and asks the girl, "Hey, just out of curiosity, just hold are you?" to which she replies, "Well, I'm twenty-seven."

The goblin breaks out in a fit of laughter: "Well, f*ck me, I didn't think it feasible for a twenty-seven year old to still believe in goblins!"

I heard a variation of it. A guy and his wife are playing golf and they accidently hit the ball into a house and they hear a crash. They approach the house and find the door open so they go in to explain the problem. They find a lamp lying broken on the floor and a man is standing there in a turbin, robe, and sandals. He explains that he is a genie and they freed him and in turn he would give them three wishes. The only stipulation is that he gets to sleep with the guy's wife. The husband is amazed and wants to agree but his wife is apprehensive. He eventually convinces her and they ask for their wishes and she goes to bed with the genie. Afterwards, the genie says, "Your husband sure is a nice guy. How old is he?" She replies, "Thirty seven." The genie says, "Thirty seven! Isn't he too old to believe in genies?"

Another genie joke:

Three men are in a boat in the middle of the ocean. They've been lost for many days and they had run out of emergency water. Just then a lamp comes washing up to the boat and they take it out and not having anything else to do commence to rubbing the lamp. Just then a genie appears and says, "Thank you for releasing me, I will now grant you one wish." One man says, "Don't you mean 3 wishes?" The genie says "Oh, you've read too many books. Be happy you get one wish." The man says, "Ok, we need to be real careful and make sure we don't waste it." Another one of them says, "I sure am thirsty, I wish the whole ocean was beer." The genie says, "Granted." and dissappears. The second man says, "Hey guys look! The Ocean is really beer! Isn't this great!" The first person yells, "You idiot! Now we have to pee in the boat!"

A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son! "Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" "What dvd?" "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again! "Ok, it was a porno" cries the son. "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad. The robot turns and slaps the dad! The mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son." The robot turns again and slaps the mom!

ultmetal wrote:

A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son! "Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" "What dvd?" "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again! "Ok, it was a porno" cries the son. "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad. The robot turns and slaps the dad! The mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son." The robot turns again and slaps the mom!

What do you call a Christian fundamentalist in hell?


































A hot Chick!

A man was sitting in the bar when he noticed another patron a few stools away. The guy had a body like Charles Atlas, but his head was the size of a thimble.

The first man said, "Please excuse me for staring, but I can't help but be curious as to why your body is so well developed, but your head is so small?"

The man said, "Buy me a drink and I’ll tell you."

The drink was ordered and the story began. "I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was the only survivor and I managed to make it to a deserted island a few miles away. I had been there alone for several months and was sitting on the beach one day waiting for a bird or fish to come by so I would have something to eat, looking up I saw a beautiful mermaid sunning on a nearby rock. She swam over to me and informed me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me three wishes. 'Great,' I said. 'I’d like to be rescued.'"

"She slapped the water with her tail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island. Next I asked for a body like Charles Atlas. Another slap of the tail and here it is. Then, noticing how beautiful she was and all my other wishes fulfilled I asked if I could make love to her. She said no that it just wouldn't work her being half fish and all. So I said, 'Well, how about a little head then?'

Ult, I think I might have heard yours back when I was little. It still made me fall out of my chair.

People have been telling some really funny ones I've never even heard.

Q: What's the difference between Rice Krispies and a 7-11 in Detroit?

A: With Rice Krispies you get snap, crackle and pop. At a 7-11 in Detroit you can get pop, Snapple and crack.

Louder wrote:

Q: What's the difference between Rice Krispies and a 7-11 in Detroit?

A: With Rice Krispies you get snap, crackle and pop. At a 7-11 in Detroit you can get pop, Snapple and crack.

Louder wrote:

Q: What's the difference between Rice Krispies and a 7-11 in Detroit?

A: With Rice Krispies you get snap, crackle and pop. At a 7-11 in Detroit you can get pop, Snapple and crack.

That's pretty cool.

OK, here's another one:

Superman just finished a hard day of fighting crime and he wants to hang out with Batman and Robin, but they ditch him. He flies around by himself and sees Wonder Woman lying naked on the beach. So, he says, "I don't need those two clowns to have a good time, I'll just grab myself a quickie". So, he goes down and then flies back up at the speed of light. Wonder Woman says, "What was that?" The Invisible Man says, "I don't know, but it hurt like hell".

This is pretty corny and I made it up myself, but maybe someone will find it amusing:

A priest, a rabbi, a druid preistess, 2 clowns, and a prostitute walk into a bar, the bartender says, "Sorry folks, your'e going to have to leave. We've heard this one before."

There once was a man who had no arms. He decided one day that he needed a job, so he looked thru the want-ads in search of work. He saw a listing that said "Bell ringer needed for local church." When he applied, the minister of the church said he didn't think he could perform the task of bell-ringer without arms, but the man told him "I can prove that I can do the job." So they went up to the bell tower, the man ran as hard as he could toward the bell and banged his head against it. Sure enough the bell rang, so the minister gave him the job. Everyday, year after year he rang the bell. Unfortunately, one day he tripped and fell out of the tower. As a crowd of people gathered around, one lady said "this is just horrible, does anyone know this man?" A gentleman spoke up and said "I dont know his name, but his face rings a bell."

His face rings a bell.

You didn't say they had to be GOOD jokes.

Yo mamma's so fat, when she went to the beach, the whales sang, "We are family!"

This is a quote I stole off bash.org

Code:

<DannyB> some girl on the street asked if i was saved yet
<DannyB> i told her i saved at the checkpoint a couple minutes back
<DannyB> and can reload from there if i die
<DannyB> she was confused

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?


































Halfway