Best Bad Review Ever...

LordsOfMetal.net out of the Netherlands just reviewed the new Main Line Riders album. While being rather mean, it was just too hilarious to be offended by (and, for the record, I'm never offended by bad reviews or by someone not liking the music I make). Here's the review:

From LordsOfMetal.nl:

Wim: Can I have a little bit more please? A little bit of what, sir? Well, a little more real heavy rock because this is very boring and simplistic hard rock. Uh, well, no sir, this it it, this is all we can do. Unfortunately we are not able to play more than three chords. I know you want to hear a few chords more, but I am afraid I have to disappoint you.

Tell me Wim, did you also do the review of our previous album? No, Cliffy, your debut album never reached the offices of Lords Of Metal. Have I missed something then? I do think so Wim, at least we had a different singer back then. And as I understand now is that you are not particularly charmed by the sterile voice of our new singer, Shawn Edward Browning. That is true, Cliffy, I think the man cannot really sing. It sometimes seems as if he does not even like to sing or does not enjoy it ("Comin' Home"). And lyrically, he is no Shakespeare either, Cliffy. Or do you think that phrases like "hey hey hey we're runnin' wild, hey hey hey we ain't no sweet little child, hey hey hey you're lookin' for some space, hey hey hey we're gettin' in your face' ("Throwin' Bones To The Wolves") is subtle poetry? Yes, there you have a point Wim, but he is the only one in our band who can speak in sentences at all. But don't you think he sounds a bit like Bon Scott? No Cliffy! I bet if we get Scott from his grave today, he sings better than this man.

What are you going to write more about our new album, Wim? Not too much Cliffy. There is really not much to say. You limit yourself to a few chords, the music does not sound lively, is not raw enough, is very predictable and is hopelessly dated. Even seasoned AC/DC fans and people who love Rose Tattoo for example, will have a tough time listening to your music. Sorry Cliffy, I cannot say more about it. Promise me you spare me your next release? Thank you.

{end review}

A fun read for sure!

at least he was a witty writer.

heh! that was pretty funny - especially about you not being Shakespeare!

I really liked how he made it seem like a conversation and that I had been emailing him asking him to review our album. Very nice touch.

I wonder if they've ever reviewed a band that did write like Shakespeare?

Who cares???

Woops this went in the wrong thread. This was a reply to the Aerosmith posting. Sorry.

TheNazgul wrote:

I wonder if they've ever reviewed a band that did write like Shakespeare?

I dont know too many metal bands that I would compare to shakespeare...

I honestly think a lot of reviewers just don't get it. They take their metal WAY to seriously and can not see when music is meant to just be fun.

A wise man once said, "Wim, bite me!"

ultmetal wrote:

I honestly think a lot of reviewers just don't get it. They take their metal WAY to seriously and can not see when music is meant to just be fun.

A wise man once said, "Wim, bite me!"

I think there are extremes to both sides of reviewing. You get a lot of people who trash everything because they feel it makes them known or those who love everything they hear and give it 10/10 all the time to suck up to bands. I much prefer those in the middle who buy their own material so they are not beholden to anyone.

Quote :

Unfortunately we are not able to play more than three chords.

Eh, the Ramones did alright with the 3 they knew. You'll be fine Cliffy.

I am taking notes on how to review the next Line of Fire cd Shawn - if your lyrics arent like aristotle your in big trouble!!!!

exact33 wrote:

I am taking notes on how to review the next Line of Fire cd Shawn - if your lyrics arent like aristotle your in big trouble!!!!

I IS A LERIKUL GENYUS!!

Shawn Of Fire wrote:

exact33 wrote:

I am taking notes on how to review the next Line of Fire cd Shawn - if your lyrics arent like aristotle your in big trouble!!!!

I IS A LERIKUL GENYUS!!

I am going to have so much fun with this!!!

When Kerrang reviewed K-OCTAVE, they trashed us hard!! LOL! I remember the line "there isn't a mouse's piss-puddle worth of melody on this album..."