the Comedy Thread

Greetings, fellow Metal Brothers.

This thread is where you can post anything hilarious - Video's, quotes, etc.

Having been a local Stand-Up comedian in earlier years, I am a sucker for good stand-up. I'l start with some posts -

The first one is by a guy named David McSavage - He is British, but lives in Denmark. This is part of a danish show, but his is in English - Just watch until the danish one get;s on - Just so you know, this is part two, and at the end of part one, he says "Look at the size of that woman's breasts!" to a girl in the audience - Then, it picks up from there

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_qgRhz2m0s&feature=related

Another David McSavage show - This may only be funny for Scandinavians

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsjIEKRGzQY

Mglaffas81 wrote:

Having been a local Stand-Up comedian in earlier years

What happened?

Eyesore wrote:

Mglaffas81 wrote:

Having been a local Stand-Up comedian in earlier years

What happened?

College, my good man

- At least it got me to China

Do you have a flag?

Eyesore wrote:

Mglaffas81 wrote:

Having been a local Stand-Up comedian in earlier years

What happened?

Pure comedy, right there!!

A man goes to the doctor because he believes that he is going to die. The doctor runs a bunch of tests. When the results get in, he says, "Give it to me straight doc. I know I'm terminal. How long do I have to live?"

The doctor says, "Ten".

The man is livid, "What the hell does that mean, ten days, ten weeks, ten months, what?!"

"9-8-7...."

So, any of you watch the video's? funny?

Cool videos.

we tr00 black metal grim kvlt types try to avoid laughing.

mc666 wrote:

we tr00 black metal grim kvlt types try to avoid laughing.

"If you think you might be gay, clap your hands....."

Mglaffas81 wrote:

So, any of you watch the video's? funny?

Yeah, they were good for a laugh. Speaking of comedians, I have to share some clips of my two favorites (there are many so make sure you have plenty of time or stagger them). First John Pinette:

On Buffets
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUosUk6X9gE

On Lines
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GUlf1F05gTA

On Diets
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLdNTMa1xZA

On Water Parks
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtzFgtd1C5c

On France & Italy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wpMkRIXhLH0

Imersonating an Ewok (I almost died laughing with this one)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B92P0Cv-XrQ

Second, ventriloquist Jeff Dunham:
Achmed the Dead Terrorist
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go

Peanut in Santa Anna
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZjMgbRUsZM

Peanut and Jose
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjAjp-YEqsY

Peanut in Spark Of Insanity
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQm_8vX3sYU
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9KK3FlVC2w
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrr4rV4AaOU

Walter
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pulhXWny-E

That's funny stuff, DallasBlack!! - And I say that as an experienced Stand-Up'er!

- Have you seen his scetch on camping? I love that one!


Here's one of my favourite non-danish Stand-Up Comedians, Rodd Gilbert, in his best ever scetch (in my opinion)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=upi0Dm7938Y

- I split my sides, laughing!

Mglaffas81 wrote:

Eyesore wrote:

Mglaffas81 wrote:

Having been a local Stand-Up comedian in earlier years

What happened?

College, my good man

I meant what happened to your comedy. You've lost your touch. Haha.

METALLICA ARE SHITE




AND I MEAN IT





now watch hilarity ensue.....

Eyesore wrote:

Mglaffas81 wrote:

Eyesore wrote:

Mglaffas81 wrote:

Having been a local Stand-Up comedian in earlier years

What happened?

College, my good man

I meant what happened to your comedy. You've lost your touch. Haha.

Yes, I know - And I answered

And screw you, I still got my touch!

Two mean jokes followed by one horribly (sic) cheap joke:

Two buddies are hiking up a hill. Suddenly a rattle snake strikes from a rock and bites one of the guy on the ass right near the crack. The guy is in agony and says to his buddy, "Go get help and hurry." His buddy runs down the hill and runs into the nearest town and goes to the local doctor and asks for help. The doctor informed him that they didn't have time to get his friend to the proper fasility (sic) for an anti-venom without him dying along the way, so he tells the guy what to do, "Get a knife and cut an X on the bite, drink some of this castor oil so you don't get poisoned as well and suck the venom and spit it on the ground. I will send help as soon as I can." The guy rushes back up the hill and gets to his buddy. His buddy asks, "What did you find out?" He replies, "Sorry dude, your going to die."


A man is stranded on a desert island after his boat sprung a leak. He's on the island and the only company he has is a pig and a mangy dog. After several months he starts to have urges that all men have and couldn't hold off any longer. He has a choice, the dog or the pig. He figures the pig is the safest choice. He approaches the pig but the dog jumps up and starts barking at him. He grabs the pig and runs into the trees and when he thinks that he alluded the dog he stops and sets the pig down, just then the dog runs up and starts barking. The man is getting annoyed at the situation. He then grabs the dog and ties him to a tree then he picks the pig up and goes back to the beach. He sets the pig down and just then the dog appears with the leash attatched to the tree trailing behind it. The man finally gives up. The next day at the beach he hears a cry of help and notices a woman drowning in the water. He swims out there and brings her safely to shore and finds out the woman he saved was none other than Hilary Clinton. She says, "Oh, thank you sir, you saved my life. I will do anything to repay you, I meany ANYYYYTHING!!!!!!" The guy thinks for a minute and says, "OK...could you hold that dog?"


A panda bear walks into a restaraunt. The waiter asks his order. He orders a ham sandwhich. The waiter brings the sandwhich, the panda eats it then pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. He gets up and starts to leave. The mangager runs out livid. "Where the hell do you think your doing?" The panda looks at him and says, "I'm a panda. Look it up in a dictionary idiot." With that said he leaves. The mangager grabs a dictionary from his office and finds it:

Panda-A large docile bear found in parts of Asia. Eats shoots and leaves.

Ok, there was this guy and girl having sex. And the guy goes all the way into her. He's running around in the dark and can't see where he is, so he grabs a flashlight(I rally don't know where he found it!) He starts looking around til he bumps into something and drops his flashlight. He turns around and it's another guy.
"Your in here too," the guy says.
The other guy answers, "Yeah."
"Well, You made me drop my flashlight when I ran into you. Maybe we can look for it and find a way out of here!" Says the first guy.
"Well," the other guy replies, "screw that, you made me drop my keys, help me find them and we can drive out of here."

Quote :

Second, ventriloquist Jeff Dunham

Easily my favorite comedian. I have both those DVDs. My favorite puppet has to be Walter. That's gonna be me.

Achmed is the puppet that got me into Dunham. I saw that Youtube clip and laughed til my stomach hurt. Ordered the DVDs as soon as I wiped the tears out of my eyes.

"Knock knock. Who's there? Me! I KEEEEL YOU!!!!"

I have another one, What did the egg say to the boiling water?


It's gonna take me awhile to get hard cause I just got laid last night.

tohostudios wrote:

Quote :

Second, ventriloquist Jeff Dunham

Easily my favorite comedian. I have both those DVDs. My favorite puppet has to be Walter. That's gonna be me.

Achmed is the puppet that got me into Dunham. I saw that Youtube clip and laughed til my stomach hurt. Ordered the DVDs as soon as I wiped the tears out of my eyes.

"Knock knock. Who's there? Me! I KEEEEL YOU!!!!"

Both those comedians I linked videos for I've been following since the mid 90s. VH1 on weekend nights have this comedy show hosted by Rosie O'Donnell (before she became an annoying lesbian) and I used to tape marathon's of it. I saw Pinette, Dunham, Engvall, Foxworthy, and others before they hit it big.

I've heard of most oof those before.

I love a lot of the classics, especially the Marx Brothers. Here are two hilarious scenes from Duck Soup:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7OmBleb2Dx8

DallasBlack wrote:

I love a lot of the classics, especially the Marx Brothers. Here are two hilarious scenes from Duck Soup:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7OmBleb2Dx8

hahahahahahaha' - Classic!


Here's another timeless classic - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=teMlv3ripSM

2 peanuts walk into a bar...

1 was assaulted.

:joker:

MetalGuy71 wrote:

2 peanuts walk into a bar...

1 was assaulted.

:joker:

Hey that's the joke the Germans tried to use in WWII to combat the joke that makes people laugh to death.