Insane Soldier explains himself

I was, am still in therapy, over some lunacy I was involved with over a 20 year period. I worked Northern Ireland for ten years, did Irac for one tour and eventually got talked into doing Afghanistan in Helmund; rename HELLMUND. I was a career soldier in the British army for over 20 years; I was promoted to captain. I have fought alongside the Yanks in firefights, when USA bases came under attacks and we were taking their place. I had to get therapy for a few weeks as I'm told I have PTSD. I was kicked out of the army for murder (get that?). I have worked security for some A list celebs since, but been caught out on insurance. I was head of security for Mark Walburg and got done over a certain incident. I also had a nervous breakdown around the same time. I have a lot of episodes lately. I wish they would stop, just don't know how. I have done some very bad things in my time, orders I've had to follow; and it leaves you a wreak mentally. The other day, this asshole insulted me outside a shop over my old car - stupidly, I grabbed him by the face and smashed him all over my old car; I really kicked him senseless. I think I'm f*cked basically. Most days I walk quiet country lanes - other days, I wish, when I see hood top wearing pricks, I could engage, put the f*cks in the ground. My wife knows I'm insane, I'm a killing machine, its what I'm trained to do. She won't leave me (I'd never hurt her). Don't know where to reach. Army wants me back (can you get that?) to lead a platoon into Afgas. They have already charged me and got counter sued - now want me back to the killing fields. Not sure if I can do it again. You get to a point, it just has to stop. I wish I knew who I was, so f*cked. I go back into Helmund, I think I'd be a loose canon, make wrong decisions. I got court Marshalled for murdering civilians and now they want me back????????

Before I joined the British army (as a Paddy) I only expected to do it for experience. I soon got a taste and got quite good at my job, very good (its cryptic) at disposal. They never give you fall backs, you only get counseling at the end of a tour. Utter Joke: I've seen kids under my command waste insurgents, and have to wait weeks for counseling. Its OK a firefight from distance, u get the snipers to zero em, but not a house to house when the enemy is on you and you have to waste them. That shit always had me haunted as I had to do insurgents in Belfast. Face to face fighting is personal, you either cut them or shoot them, it is not nice either way. I don't mind either ways, but it leaves me f*cked up, wife thinks I'm a head case. I never used to be like that.