Here's one for Locky!

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "

Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little sh*t, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it
was, but useless in a fight."

-----------
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the
road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya
been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this
evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd
gone deaf."

--------
Benda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident
down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go
quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

---------
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,
and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have
any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?

"She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that d*mn gun...'

-------
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits
down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles,
"ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

funny stuff. kudos!

good stuff there Sideshow

That last one gave me a good laugh.

I'd expect them from Saxon but not you, Good laugh though.

here's a few for ya.



A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."
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Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi... Damn! There goesanother one!"

_____________________________________________________

O'Connell was staggering home with a ottle of whiskey in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"


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What is an Irishman :

An Irishman is a man who?

May not believe there is a God,
but darn sure of the infallibility of the Pope...
Won't eat meat on Friday,
but will drink Jameson for breakfast.....
Is against abortion,
but in favor of hangings.....
Has great respect for the truth,
he uses in emergencies...
Sees things not as they are
but the way they never will be.....
Cries at sad movies,
but cheers in battle....
Hates the English,
but reserves his cruelty for countryman....
Gets more Irish the further he gets from Ireland.....
Believes in civil rights,
but not in his neighborhood...
Believes to forgive is divine,
therefore doesn't exercise it himself....
Loves religion for its own sake,
but also because it makes it so
damnably inconvenient for his neighbours....
Scorns money,
but worships those who have it...
Considers any Irishman who
achieves success to be a traitor...