Chuck Norris!!!!

For some reason or another, high school are enamored with Chuck and love to tell me CN jokes and ask what it was like when I was a kid in the 80's and he was cool. I tell them he was never really that cool, anyone here above age 30 remembers when Walker Texas Ranger was on at 10 o'clock on Friday nights, so you all know what I'm drivin' at. Well, he did beat the crap out an entire town in Breaker,Breaker after they murdered his younger brother, but whatever! Here goes:


Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.

We're doing a lot of joke with Chuck Norris. I'ts just funny.

Chuck Norris was immensely cool BEFORE Walker, Texas Ranger. Just oozing cool! I love those Chuck Norris jokes. They remind me of the SNL Mike Ditka jokes.

Chuck Norris "facts" rule! Some of my faves...

The reason Def Leppard's drummer only has one arm is because Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.

Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the woman survives.

Once you go Chuck Norris, you are physically unable to go back.

"Brokeback Mountain" is not just the title of a gay cowboy movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

Fat Freddy wrote:

Chuck Norris "facts" rule! Some of my faves...

The reason Def Leppard's drummer only has one arm is because Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.

Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the woman survives.

Once you go Chuck Norris, you are physically unable to go back.

"Brokeback Mountain" is not just the title of a gay cowboy movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

Awesome!!!

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.





Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.





When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.



The only man to make fun of Walker Texas Ranger is the only man confined to a wheelchair in Heaven.

Chuck Norris travelled to the Virgin Islands, now they are just known as The Islands.

Chuck Norris does not breathe. He holds air hostage.

Chuck Norris does not style his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

Chuck Norris can drink a gallon of milk in one gulp without throwing up.

Chuck Norris is RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!

Think of a hot chick. Chuck Norris did her.

Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet. What's that? You say there are only 26 letters in the alphabet? Not anymore.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in three moves.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

When Chuck Norris jumps in a body of water, he does not get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.

Jean-Claude Van Damme once beat Chuck Norris in a fight. After waking up from that dream, he got a roundhouse kick in the face from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real first name was "Charles". Chuck Norris did not answer, he just stared at him until he exploded.

To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

There is, in fact, an "I" in Norris, but there is no "team". Not even close.

Fat Freddy wrote:

The reason Def Leppard's drummer only has one arm is because Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.

that's my favorite one

Yeah, I'm with you Sent. Chucky has always been b-grade in my book. He has always been back of the pack to way bigger and better action stars. In his prime you had, Arnold, Stalone, even Van Dam and Sigal totally shadowed him. The only reason he even became anything is because he was Bruce Lee's lone protoge'.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. This is not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Every April 15th Chuck Norris sends the IRS blank tax forms and a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, EVER.

Chuck Norris has volunteered to stay behind on Earth after the Rapture, because he wants to roundhouse kick the Antichrist in the face.

The philosopher Descartes is credited with the quote, "I think, therefore I am..." What most people do not know is that the rest of that quote is "...afraid of Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris makes his own ravioli by stuffing a live turtle with beef and smothering it in pigs' blood.

Chuck Norris once had sex with a cigarette machine in a Japanese airport.

Chuck Norris' smile brought a puppy back to life.

spiritoradio wrote:

Chuck Norris travelled to the Virgin Islands, now they are just known as The Islands.

Sick, sick!!!

Every April 15th Chuck Norris sends the IRS
blank tax forms and a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.
Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, EVER.



Phenomenal!!!

There is an old saying that you can't kill two birds with one stone, but Chuck Norris once killed four birds with half a stone. You think there's no such thing as a half a stone? Well, the four dead birds didn't think so either.

Chuck Norris needs a monkey wrench and a blowtorch in order to masturbate.

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling corn that sometimes it should just lay the hell down.

when chuck norris does push ups, he isnt pushing himelf up. HE'S PUSHING THE WORLD DOWN.

Chuck Norris can have his cake and eat it too.

You guys are awesome!!!!

Chuck Norris won a staring contest with the sun.

when the boogeyman goes to bed, he checks the closet every night for chuck norris

chuck norris gave the mona lisa that smile

when chuck norris steps in a puddle, chuck norris doesn't get wet, the puddle gets chuck norris

Chuck Norris delivers more male with one thrust of his pelvis than the combined efforts of the US Postal Service, The Pony Express, UPS, DHL and Federal Express have in 148 years.

Chuck Norris once won a p*ssing contest against a Russian race horse.

Chuck Norris' agent asked Chuck Norris if he wanted to audition for the movie "Brokeback Mountain." Chuck Norris' agent has been missing and presumed dead for two years now. NEVER ask Chuck Norris if he wants to be in a gay cowboy movie.

if the world is destroyed in a nuclear holocaust, the only survivors will be cockroaches. . .AND CHUCK NORRIS

chuck norris doesnt have a chin, look under his beard and you'll find an extra fist

I'm sitting there in my underwear this morning, watching sports center
from the coffee table, and who comes on during a commercial? You
guessed it, and all I could think about, as he was talking about his
stupid Total Gym, was all the sex-stud jokes from this stupid thread!
THANKS ALLOT SENT!!! I had to leave his stairing eyes and get dressed,
pervert!

T-Roy wrote:

I'm sitting there in my underwear this morning, watching sports center
from the coffee table, and who comes on during a commercial? You
guessed it, and all I could think about, as he was talking about his
stupid Total Gym, was all the sex-stud jokes from this stupid thread!
THANKS ALLOT SENT!!! I had to leave his stairing eyes and get dressed,
pervert!

Why were you sitting on the coffee table in your underwear?? Wouldn't you have been more comfortable on the couch?

Fat Freddy wrote:

Why were you sitting on the coffee table in your underwear?? Wouldn't you have been more comfortable on the couch?

Maybe that's where Chuck Norris told him to sit.