Tayla's crusade

Ok, I don't quite know how to approach this. The last few years have been extremely difficult for me. I've been in and out of hospital, mental wards, moved up and down the country and changed schools several times. Even though my age on here says 19 (which is a girl who work in my sites age who signed up's age) I'm actually 15. I have cronic anaemia which means each day on top of my painkillers and pill I have to take 12 different supplements. I have to regulary visit the clinic, the GP and the hospital and if I don't keep my appointments I get punished.
Last month I was diagnosed with rapid-cyclicing bipolar disorder. I've lived with it for most of my life but putting a name to it made it worse. The want me to go on personality repressants. I refused them so my dad spiked my food. They make me feel so suicidal, hollow, out of it. I feel like I've been robbed of my body already due to somethings from when I was a kid. I wish not to re-live such horrifying things again. I wish not to be robbed of my emotions too. So I flushed my pills. sfincter didn't realise only this week she'd need them to escape.
This past 8 days I have been locked in my room with no phone, no internet and no food for having an opinion. I said bisexuality was good. That it was love. I am bisexual. My family has no idea. My dad smacked me with an iron. I refused to admit I'm wrong and flipped out.
I went to stay with my mother on the Friday. I needed to escape. She decided to have a smurfette fit and reject me after 18 hours and send me back to the bastard that I live with. The man who says I have "no grip on relaity" and "know nothing about life". It's so smurfing hard to be judged for every move you make. I do all the housework too and even that gets faults picked in it. Its like I can't do anything right.
I just wish there was someway out of all this smurf poo but it seems there isn't one. Either way I'm going to fight even if it kills me.
This is my crusade. Against every smurfer and against my illness.

I will pray for you.


I hope all will be better for you soon.


You have your whole life in front of you! Hang in there.

I'm praying for you Tayla. There's something great in store for your life! NO DOUBTS!

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Anyway you can try to get emancipated?

You are a strong girl, hang in there Tayla, I know it sounds like a ton of bullsh!t but I promise, promise you that things will get better. Alot of us have been thru similar experiences like you have and you will make it thru this, just hang on ok.

Tayla, you're a beautiful, strong girl from what I can tell. I am on meds as well, but I am OCD. Honestly, I couldn't get along without them. But all the other crap with your family is uncalled for. Do you have any relatives or friends you can lean on for a bit?

Why are we praying and promising things here? Sounds like Tayla is a typical 15-year-old that thinks she knows better than anyone else, which we all know is a load of crap because we were all that kid at one time.

Tayla, if it's true that you have Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder (and only you'd know if the symptoms fit), then take a step back from this anger and resentment you have and stop saying you're going to fight. It's a fight you WILL NOT win. You need to EMBRACE it. That's the only way you'll ever overcome it; embrace it and OWN it, because you'll never escape it. If the medication they prescribed isn't working for you, go back to the doctors and try something else, and keep trying until you find something that works.

If you're truly 15, then I'm sure you don't want to listen to me, but I can assure you that the only thing you're going to end up fighting is yourself. You won't win. And once you learn to accept things, I'm sure your relationship with your parents will get better. But maybe not, I don't know. They surely won't get better otherwise, though. So give it a try.

I'm sure things will get better... stay strong.

Eyesore has the right idea. i was diagnosed with a bi-polar disorder when i was in my teens. it took a few years, but i was able to manage it so i can accept it & get on with my life. it helped that i stopped denying what is & focus on how to work within it.

as for the bi-sexual thing. you are still experimenting at your age. no need to label yourself anything. it just gives others something to attack. if you're comfortable with your feelings, that's all that matters. you don't have to justify them to others.

I used to have bad anxiety attacks a few years back... the kind that feel like a heart attack. They went away over time. Hopefully you can find a solution that works for you, so you can manage your disorder.

mc666 wrote:

Eyesore has the right idea. i was diagnosed with a bi-polar disorder when i was in my teens. it took a few years, but i was able to manage it so i can accept it & get on with my life. it helped that i stopped denying what is & focus on how to work within it.

as for the bi-sexual thing. you are still experimenting at your age. no need to label yourself anything. it just gives others something to attack. if you're comfortable with your feelings, that's all that matters. you don't have to justify them to others.

Best advise so far on this board, like the man said you don't have to justify your feelings with anybody if you are comfortable with who you are.

You guys see this whole thing where she was smacked with an iron, or what? Or anything else except a rant...

YEAH, kids are stupid, kids can be stupid, I call someone stupid every day........but just saying that and leaving it at that is not really going to help. If we wanna talk generation gaps, here's one; A lot of you guys probably did not grow up with brainwashed parents absolutely intent on drugging you. Let me tell you from very firsthand experience, where that AND alcoholism and abuse was in play with whom I lived with, it is FRIGHTENING. Bisexual nonsense and rebellious this and that aside, this simply isn't a cut-and-dry, you're young and you'll get over it kind of issue. Just saying that will not help. They told me that and it didn't help me. NOBODY was there to help me. NOBODY listened to me. I was seen as just one of this big crowd of stupid kids, treated exactly the same, like I was some kind of know it all and I wasn't. When I look back I indeed realize how little I knew, and THAT is why people of that age need HELP along with a lecture. Not 'help' like, here's this pill, go behave yourself, but somebody who gives a damn to the fact that there are a bunch of expectations of you, a lot of which are baseless, that you literally have no idea how to achieve. I went to school with a bunch of zombies that didn't do anything except do drugs, get in fights, do average work, f*** each other and trade off after school, and I was smarter, I was interested in a lot of different things, I was analytical, I didn't learn the same way, and I was punished for it every single step of the way. The schools, parents, and doctors routinely told me I was crazy, bipolar, ADHDBHDDBUGBHFBUJNF, and everything else. For YEARS. No teaching, no raising up so I would succeed, nothing. I don't have a lot of answers here, but I just wanted to kind of let people know some of what goes on. I'm 24, the gap isn't huge, this is the same kind of nonsense I and other kids who didn't fit rank and file in my generation put up with. You treat them like a number and a statistic the way the doctors and the stupid baby boomers and apathetic gen-X parents do, then you're no better.

Let's stop with the stupid PMs, folks.

Orion Crystal Ice wrote:

You guys see this whole thing where she was smacked with an iron, or what?

if she knows she's being physically abused, then she's talking about it with the wrong people. she needs to inform those who can get her out of such a situation. if she truly wants to fight back... then start there.

the rest of your comment smelled a little emo, so i neglected to read it.

Considering the source, I take it as an extreme compliment that you would be put off by something that I may say, or take it incorrectly. I'm certain that means I'm doing something right.

Tayla, hang in there. I don't know what really goes on inside the mind of a 15 year old girl with RCBD, but I'll let George Harrison's words help you along your journey to recovery:

Try to realize it's all within yourself
No-one else can make you change
And to see you're really only very small,
And life flows ON within you and without you.
When you've seen beyond yourself-then you may find, peace of mind,
Is waiting there-
And the time will come when you see
we're all one, and life flows on within you and without you.

Sucks. I've got quite a bit of that going on too. Actually, I think most teenagers go through similar situations. Still, it bites major ass and I hope you can get over it. Can't really do anything about it, but ya know, good luck.

On a less-angsty note: Yay, there's somebody younger than me here!!

Just read through ll of your comments. Thanks to many of you for your support. I went to see a different doctor and he wants to put me back on the same pills. We'll see how that one goes.

Hope it all works out!