My personal approach to Fantasy Football Trash Talk

I first started FF just last year. I thought the normal trash talk boring, so I started leaving "different" messages. Of course, this has escalated. Here's the one I left for the guy today. He's big and blond and a germaphobe, which explains some of the message. Forgive the grammar problems, this was stream-of-consciousness more or less.



Bound and gagged, of course (gagged with week-old used socks) you will be led to a clearing in a forest.

There The Assistant and his assistant The Porcine Goddess will set you in the middle of the clearing. You will be ungagged, but remain bound.

Appearing seemingly out of nowhere, but really only silently approaching out of the forest from all directions, will be a group of strangely small, frail looking people. There will be 18 people in total. Their frailness and small stature are in fact due to malnourishment. These people are hungry. They have been promised a fantastic meal, if only they accomplish one thing in their frail half-starved state. With only their tiny fists supported by stick-like limbs and in a state of low but desperate energy these people will surround you and begin to beat you with soft blows.

This may not sound like such a bad thing, but imagine the feeling of dozens of hackey-sacks striking you over and over and over and over. At first you mock them! But after 10 minutes the bruising and chaffing begins. One bruise, 5 bruises even two dozen bruises a human can easily survive. But what about 50? 100? 300? Small ones, but overlapping and one on top of the other!! Your skin starts to swell....a sort of edema develops. But that is not all.

After about 30 minutes the repetition begins weighing on your mind. There's really no pain....but an intense panic sets in!! You can hardly stand it. You can't see the Sun! You feel like you're suffocating!!! 18 frail, grim bodies surround you in a desperate attempt to end your life with their impotent fists for the promise of a meal!! You're eyes begin to bulge! You look for help...for an escape. In a corner of the clearing you see The Assistant and The Porcine Goddess. You plead for help.....but they turn their backs and fade into the dim forest.

You return your gaze to the Malnourished ones. Their blank expressions offering no hope. You begin to scream. Betraying your huge size and fierce Viking appearance, your voice comes out manic and child-like. You begin thrashing your head from side to side in a desperate attempt to escape. Even with one free arm you could crush these limp fools...but The Assistant bound you with expertise.

One hour into your soft steady pummeling you've become numb. Your panic spent, you start to dream of release..but release of another kind. You start begging for something unforeseen....your own death! You scream for harsher blows! Blows that would end the madness!! But the soft pulping blows only rain down in a steady, rhythmic fashion.

Some days later hikers stumble across an unexpected clearing in the forest. The stripped bones of a large animal draw their curiosity. As they draw closer they realize with horror that the remains are human!! One hiker picks what he assumes is an arm bone...shocked that there isn't even a scrap of meat left. Looking closer he gives a startled yelp and throws the bone down. The marks on the bone were from the teeth of a human! Looking over the rest of the remains he can see hundreds....thousands of human teeth marks!!!! Looking around nervously he shouts to his group that they must leave NOW. The group notices the urgency in his voice and offer no argument.

As they hurry off a masked figured steps out of the dusky forest. Even though his face is hidden, his eyes can't lie. His smile is one of pure evil delight. He looks down upon his companion who returns his look and offers a satisfied grunt.



The best part is the other guys' reaction. I play softball with these same guys and will see some of them at work so it's part of the whole fun of FF.

Scott, it's time for your medication.

I don't talk much trash in my FF league.... I am # 1 and the only one who is undefeated!!!!

Wow Scott, my whole perception of you is different. I think the Sentinel is right.

Harmless fun!!

Harmless, until one day, after breathing too many noxious fumes, Scott loses it and actually enacts one of his little trash talk fantasies.

Noxious fumes in Las Vegas!

The first mini-story from two weeks ago....it helps explain the one above somewhat....for whom it may concern.


Bound and gagged, of course, you will be led into a room. There an unnamed, gowned, masked assistant (Gregg) and HIS masked pig assistant known as The Porcine Goddess (don't ask....he won't tell...apparently it's an inside pig joke)will shave or pluck every hair from your body. You will then be dipped in a large vat of honey. You will then be rolled in oats. Then, The Assistant will stuff a small red apple in your mouth. This brings great joy to The Porcine Goddess as he enjoys the irony. You will be allowed to hang there by your arms for some time...in fear (or intense joy, as it were, depending on your state of mind).

At the appointed time a trap door below you will open. You will be swiftly dropped into a large convection oven heated to 675 degrees (if you don't understand the signifigance of this number then you are surely better off dead). In 5 short minutes you will be seared into a delicious and crispy meal.

The Porcine Goddess will invite many of his pig friends for what they call "Thankstaking Day Feast". (More ironic pig humour) They will squeal with joy when they see your glazed and coated skin crackling with juicy crispiness. As always happens at Thankstaking Day Feast there will be a fight over your eyes and the softer internal organs. The pig-children (they hate the term piglet) will gather around their smaller pig trough and consume the crisp skin and other fatty tissues that the weight-consious pig-women discard.

In the end everyone is happy. My only hope is that you are not somehow gladdened by your demise.


So now the three of you are caught up. I have no idea what next weeks' will be about....they sort of take on their own direction.

However, the dude I call The Assistant was late to our softball game tonight so we were playing with 9 instead of 10 for all but the last inning!!! He might have to be next!!!

You know what my approach would be? Its a fantasy, shut up.

Although, that was pretty funny.

The next short story for next weeks opponent.







A Trip to The City was a nice change
of pace. The wife gets to shop and go to some shows. You get to relax
and take in a game, maybe. This morning you kiss her goodbye, letting
her linger in bed on an ultra-rare lazy morning. You wander down to
that coffee shop just around the corner you noticed yesterday when
you drove up to the hotel.


As you take your seat with your
morning paper and order your coffee and breakfast you notice, as the
waitress walks away, the woman who just a second ago was hidden from
your sight. You laugh at yourself in mild shock because you find it
unbelievable a woman so huge could
hide from anything or anybody! You notice that just as you were
ordering, she must have been receiving her food because in front of
her sits the largest pile of chocolate donuts you've ever seen in
your life. Makes sense, because this is in fact the largest woman you
can ever remember seeing. You watch with morbid fascination as she
attacks her plate of donuts with a sort of desperation. She doesn't
seem to be enjoying herself, but seems only to be methodically
“chowin' down” as they say. She glances up for just a second and
notices you watching her, but her interest in donuts greatly
outweighs here interest in anything else around her, much less your
amazed stare.


After a while your
food comes, and a while after that you've finished and read your
paper. You were engrossed in the sports page enough that you lost
interest in the large woman, but as you get up to leave you see that
she's still there and in fact finishing her third plate of
donuts!! “Gawd dang” you think, and walk out.


It's a nice
morning and you're strolling down the sidewalk. You're in no hurry to
get anywhere, and the walk is nice. Some way into your stroll you
give a little jump and a yelp....something pinched you in your back!
You look around, but nobody is there. “Must have been a bug” you
think.


You keep strolling
and you're surprised at how sleepy you feel. In fact, you can barely
keep your eyes open even while walking. You find a bench and sit.
That's the last thing you remember until you wake to find yourself
bound and gagged in a dark room Lord knows where.


At first you start
to panic and you writhe against your restraints, but then you notice
the contraption on your torso. Some sort of molded seat or chair is
resting on your chest and abdomen, the bottom of which seems to
conform to your body. “What the...” you think, but your thought
is broken with the creaking of a door and the shocking sight of
seeing the huge woman here in this room! The huge woman just
stares at you. Then, she starts waddling forward toward you. You're
too shocked and curious to say or do anything. She waddles over until
she's standing right next to you. She yanks off your gag, but leaves
you bound to the low lying bench or table you're lying on.
Immediately you start questioning her and stringing together a chain
of expletives any sailor would be proud of. She's looking down at you
with a nearly passive face, but you sense something there.....is that
excitement you see?


She slowly pivots
and you think she's turning to leave, but then she begins an absurd,
awkward shuffle backwards. You barely have time to shout before she
plops her massive girth onto the chair that's resting on your torso.
Huuugggghhh!!! Most of your air rushes out before you can tighten
your abdominal muscles and resist her weight. You instinctively know
better than to scream or struggle. Doing so you would lose the rest
of your air. You think you know what the last few seconds of a rat's
life must be like when it's being crushed by a snake.


You find it
incredibly difficult to breathe. You take shallow breaths. You also
start to seriously wonder what's going on. It can't be good, but
you're also at a loss to understand. You begin talking to the woman.
You keep your voice calm and soothing even, trying to smooth talk.
You're more or less pleading for your life, but you're trying not to
sound pitiful. You're scared because each minute it's harder to
breathe, but you know that to panic now would mean certain death.
You are cleverly and subtly trying to get her to see you as human.

After some minutes
you see her glance sideways at you ever so slightly. “Yes” you
think, look at me”. You feel her shift her weight a bit.
She's massive, but the shift helps. You can breathe a little easier.
You might just get out of this.


Suddenly you hear
the creak of the door again. You feel the fat woman tense through the
chair. And then you see a sight so bizarre,
so absurd that if you were anywhere else in the World you'd probably
laugh, but now you simply stare in stunned silence. A pig wearing a
mask walks into the room. On it's back is strapped a sort of small
table bearing a tray. On the tray is the most ridiculous pyramid of
donuts you've ever seen in your life. It's at this moment you
realize you're screwed. The massive woman is simply bristling with
barely contained energy. The pig walks over to you and the woman and
the woman takes the plate of donuts. As the pig walks out of the room
you notice a figure standing back in the shadows. He is dressed
strangely...in a gown or robe of some sort and he himself wearing
a mask. Amazingly, you feel you know those eyes.....have seen them
before....but that makes no sense and you can't place them anyhow.
The lack of oxygen and this crazy situation must be messing with your
mind.

You try talking to
the woman, but she's “gone”. She's lost in some donut munching
otherworld and you might as well be an ant trying to get an
elephants' attention.

In her mindless
pie-hole stuffing she's settled deep into the chair and it's now
harder to breathe than ever. You are completely sure you're going to
die. You are trying not to panic...”breathe, breathe, breathe,
breathe” you chant to yourself in your mind.


Soon enough you
feel a strange warmth and sense of well being spread over you. You
know enough to know this is the lack of oxygen playing tricks with
you, but you don't care. You close your eyes and start to remember.
You remember the good things. As a kid playing with your friends. You
remember meeting your wife. You remember the seemingly opposing but
simultaneous feeling of pure power and
nothingness when you hit a softball just right and it goes arcing
into the night. You remember the adrenaline rush of the first time
you hear the words “smoke showing” and you realize it's your
officer saying it and you're about to run into a place people are
supposed to run out of.


Your vision has
started to narrow and your thoughts start to muddy, and the
beginnings of your last memory – your last minutes on Earth –
have arrived. The door creaks open once again. The Figure is standing
there. He leans over and whispers to the pig. The pig brings the
woman another plate of donuts. She continues her mindless, robotic
feast. You look at The Figure as the pig leaves the room. He's
staring at you now, and despite the mask you can telling he's
grinning. It's a wicked grin. You can barely think at this point, and
you're not sure where you're at, but it dawns on you where you've
seen those eyes!! “I....I......know, I know...........I
knuh..............................

Three days
later a group a street kids wander into an abandoned building.
They're just here for mischief, a little spray painting. They wander
up to the third floor and as they enter a certain room they receive a
shock! On a low bench is a dead man. He doesn't look injured or even
in horrible condition. He just looks dead. Three plates lay next to
him, covered with some dark substance and ants...ants everywhere!
The remains of a donut lay on one of the plates, it's covered with
ants as well.


Suddenly a
screech! A scream! Or is it a really loud squeal? Whatever,
this awful sound pierces the darkened
silence of the room. All three kids, tough street punks, scream
themselves. Suddenly a loud, wooden, galloping racket draws close to
them. It's a pig!! An angry, squealing pig wearing a mask and –
absurdly – a party hat!! The three run screaming out of the room,
down the stairs, into the sun lit City streets. They don't stop
running for four City blocks, not until they're sure there's still
not a pig wearing a party hat chasing them. Eventually they slow to a
walk and find a place to eat. They don't really enjoy the long, long
meal they have together. No one says a word. If fact, as long as they
know each other they never speak of what they saw that day in the
building.

You have weird fantasies.

Bound and gagged, you will be thrown to the ground by a tall figure standing over you. He places a small blanket over your face, carefully positioning two holes over your ears. You hear a door creak, unaware if someone is entering or exiting. After you hear a plethora of miscellaneous sounds, you vaguely hear a high pitched whine, sounding almost like a moaning sound.

At first the noise is barely noticeable, although mildly unpleasant, and you attempt to block it out by imagining "Prodigal Son" by Sevendust. About halfway through the song, the whine becomes much more audible, and you hear it perfectly clearly now. Through your thin blanket, you see several silhouettes gathered around you. You wonder who they are and what they are trying to do to you. Before you can come up with any theories, however, you hear the whining again....

Now the sound is beginning to become quite obnoxious, and you attempt to drown it out, but to no avail. After several minutes of this, you cannot stand anymore. You begin to thrash about the floor making muffled screams. Suddenly, you feel a sharp pain in both your ears, as if something is being inserted into them. They are. You feel a bumpy, hard substance being shoved into your skull! You squirw and writhe attempting to remove the pointy substance, but instead, you hear a dull cracking sound. The item is no longer being inserted into your head, but is now lodged in your ear canal.

You roll on your side, trying to dislodge the item, but pressing your ears against the floor only succeeds to push the substance even deeper. The pain is unbearable. Nothing seems to be working, so you relax, hoping the pain will be less severe. It is, but then I didn't feel like writing anymore, so you die. Game over, man.