My mother passed away Thursday.

My mom, Judy
Jackson, died on Thursday June 24^th 2010. I had talked to her last
the previous Monday during our regular time (11am Amarillo time). The past few
Mondays I either had to call her several times or missed her altogether and
called the following day. But this time she was ready. The phone rang a couple
of times and she answered it. I did not know that it would be our last
conversation. As usual I do not recall much of it…typical. I do remember that
mom was going on about a DVD set that I ordered for her. On Monday, the 24^th
of May, I told my mom that I would not be able to get her anything for her
birthday. I broke my heart to tell her this, but she didn’t seem at all
troubled or disappointed. She said that she understood. A few days later, I
couldn’t stand it anymore. I had to do something, even if it was to pick out
one of my movies and send it to her. Nothing seemed right. Knowing how much she
likes nature programs I ordered the “Blue Earth” DVD set (it was a mini-series
on Animal Planet or Discovery Channel or some thing like that) from Amazon.com,
had them gift wrap it, and shipped it directly to her. Apparently they shipped
it right out, because mom said she received it that Friday. Every Monday since
then, Mom has told me how much she enjoyed it, and what a surprise that it was
when it came in the mail. That damn thing gave her so much joy. And again, this
past Monday, she continued to tell me how much she appreciated that. Now that
she is gone, I am so glad I ordered it for her.


I don’t think I have too many
regrets regarding our relationship. There was a wall between us ever since,
well, for the last 20 years at least. I couldn’t even tell you if I’m the one
who built it, or her. It would have been nice if that had come down. Somehow,
in this world, I think there would have always been an arms length between us.
She was afraid to let me too close, because of hurts in her past and the fact
that she hated herself. I was afraid to let her too close, because we were in
such different places psychologically, and spiritually. To this day, I do not
know if mom understood in her heart that she did not have to earn God’s
approval. I do not think that she understood that she did not have to earn
anyone’s approval. I wish I could find the bastard that convinced mom that love
equals approval and (edit) him.





Last Christmas, I gave mom my copy
of the book, “Searching For God Knows What” by Donald Miller. This was not
something that I did on a whim or flippantly. Over the past couple of years I
would start to talk (mostly in emails) about theology, and my issues with
church. She did not understand anything I said. She took every word I wrote
completely out of context. It broke my heart. I tried to help her understand,
but noting I said or wrote seemed to help. I don’t know if she was simply
reacting to different phrases I used (like so many of those Tele-Evangelists
program us to do), or if she literally lacked the comprehension skills
necessary to understand. When she was in the hospital for Diabetic Ketoacidosis
three years or so ago, she did have a stroke. That might have damaged her in a
way that it reduced her ability to process information. The book, “Searching
for God Knows What” does a great job of outlining where I am at in my
relationship with God. It would hopefully help her understand me better. I
never told her that. She told me on the phone that she would read it as soon as
she finished this other book. I don’t recall its title, but it was something
like “The 7 Keys to Predictable Miracles in Your Life.”


I know that mom loved God. I have
no doubt in this, but I wish she could have experienced something more than she
had with the Trinity Broadcasting Network. The parts of mom’s life where mom
doubted God all circulated around healing, financial prosperity, “name it and
claim it” promises from the bible that didn’t seem to be coming true, and
approval. She told me that she felt like God (or specific people) was punishing
her for something. I kept reminding her of Job. (Which is the oldest story in
the bible, making me wonder if the first thing God wanted us to understand is
that smurf poo happens to people who did everything right.)


The last few months had been more
positive for mom, at least when on the phone. I know she’s been down because of
the pain in her feet, but at least she wasn’t blaming God for it.





Have you ever seen the movie
“Kingdom of Heaven” with Orlando Bloom? If you haven’t I highly recommend it.
At the end of it, the protagonist realizes what is important, what the Kingdom
of Heaven is. It is about loving people. Even the ones we don’t like, that
includes the people of Westboro Baptist Church. (Here is where I take a few
minutes to pout!) We keep talking about the Kingdom as if it is up in Heaven
and God will bring it down some day when Satan is burning in the lake of Fire.
The thing is, the Kingdom is at hand. It is right here. We are it. The problem
is, none of us want to live it out. Not even me. I am too selfish for it. Even
as I write this, I think mom understood that too.





I don’t know yet how she died. My first
guess is that she had a low blood sugar and (for whatever reason) never got any
glucose in time. It is also conceivable that she had another stroke and it
killed her.


When she told me some months ago
that the nerves in her stomach had died I knew that her days were numbered. She
was on antibiotics that made the stomach work. Still I expected to get some
more years out of mom, not mere months. Over the past couple of years I have
had the thought in the back of my mind, that mom could go any day. Even so, you
expect to see it coming. Like heath is suppose to deteriorate rapidly over a
few weeks or something. I guess I expected to call one day and not get her.
Later that day or the next I would learn from one of my brothers that mom was
in the hospital and it didn’t look good, then a week later, she would be gone.
Well, things rarely happen the way we expect. I know that she did leave this
world the way she probably wanted to. I don’t know. Like I said, I don’t know
how she died, it may have been painful. However, she died at home. One day she
is good, the next…gone. She died in the comfort of home with the dogs. I know
for a fact, one of her greatest fears was that she would be put in a nursing
home, and have her dogs taken away. I am so very thankful she did not have to
face that.





Back in March of this year (2010) I
got to see mom and family in Amarillo, Texas. The whole experience was made that much
more poignant now that mom is gone. Mom is my movie buddy, er was. So I brought
a bunch of movies to watch. We didn’t get to see them all, but we did see most
of them. The very last movie we watched was “Terminator Salvation.” Mom was
never big on Terminator, and I explained to her that this one is different than
the others and that she would like it. She enjoyed it more than I expected.
This movie provides a lot of insight into the first two movies, as it is the
flip side of the coin. The other movies took place in “modern day” with the
first in 1984. In each of the movies you get glimpses into the future
“2029ish,” when the Terminators are from. This movie takes place in 2018 and
shows you events that will eventually lead to the Terminators going back in
time to kill the leader of the human resistance. After watching the movie, mom
told me that now she was eager to go back and watch at least the first
one. She eventually got to. She told me on the phone that she came across the
first Terminator just as it was coming on TV and that she enjoyed it much more
now that she understood what was going on, and what was at stake. For mom, it
had ceased to be a movie about a robot that kills people and had become a story
about a mother’s struggle to protect her future son from a very real, though
fantastic, threat. (It has just occurred to me that there are some theological
discussions that can come from that.) I wish that I had been able to watch it
with her, but alas, it wasn’t meant to be. She was my movie buddy, after all.
Now she is gone.





One of
mom’s favorite stories comes from the bible where God speaks to one of his
prophets and shows him a desert. God talks about sending rain to the desert and
bringing life into it. (A word picture of how God brings life to us.) It is a
beautiful story and seems to have really taken root in mom’s life. I think she
has umpteen trinkets in her home of deserts, cacti, and the like.





When I was wandering in the
desert. And was searching for the truth.


I heard a choir of angels
calling out my name. I had the feeling that my life would never be the same
again. I turn my face towards the barren sun.





And I know of the pain that
you feel the same as me.


And I dream of the rain as
it falls upon the leaves.


And the cracks in our lives
like the cracks upon the ground.


They are sealed and are now
washed away.





You tell me we can start the
rain. You tell me that we all can change.


You tell me we can find
something to wash the tears away.


You tell me we can start the
rain. You tell me that we all can change.


You tell me we can find
something to wash the tears…..





And I know of the pain that
you feel the same as me.


And I dream of the rain as
it falls upon the leaves.


And the cracks in the ground
like the cracks are in our lives.


They are sealed and now far
away.





You tell me we can start the
rain…





RAINMAKER (Murray/Harris/Dickenson) © 2003 Iron Maiden Holdings LTD.





Sorry to quote someone else, but I am not a poet, nor a
lyricist. And this is a beautiful song. Though simplistic, it is quite fitting.



This year really sucks. We lose several icons, and then my mom.

I am sorry about the loss of your mother.

I am sorry about your loss - grieving time sucks. I lost my Dad two years ago, my Grandfather (who was like a Dad to me) two months ago, my Grandmother (his wife), last month and my Maternal Grandmother last week. I understand what you are going through.

I am sorry to hear of your loss.

Thanks for taking time to share man. I know how it is when you just need to get some things off your chest, somehow or some way. Warm wishes and prayers for you and yours.

thejokeriv wrote:

I am sorry about your loss - grieving time sucks. I lost my Dad two years ago, my Grandfather (who was like a Dad to me) two months ago, my Grandmother (his wife), last month and my Maternal Grandmother last week. I understand what you are going through.

Sorry to hear about your own losses. You didn't even have time to get over your Grandfather when your Grandmother went.

my condolences on your loss.

Sorry for your loss.

ryanmetalman wrote:

thejokeriv wrote:

I am sorry about your loss - grieving time sucks. I lost my Dad two years ago, my Grandfather (who was like a Dad to me) two months ago, my Grandmother (his wife), last month and my Maternal Grandmother last week. I understand what you are going through.

Sorry to hear about your own losses. You didn't even have time to get over your Grandfather when your Grandmother went.

Thanks Bro - I am with you in spirit, I know what it is like to lose a loved one!!!!

condolences.... stay strong! I lost my Father a few years ago.

Sorry for your loss, man. Stay strong.

Sorry for your loss!

Sorry for your loss.

I said a prayer for you and your family, I hope all is well.

Stay strong and focus on all the good memories. My father passed away several years ago and after the initial pain goes away, I find that just remembering the cool times we had together gives me strength and makes me feel like he's hanging out with me.

Sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing your story. Hopefully your narrative helped with your healing. God bless!

I'm sorry for your loss as well.

Sorry to hear that. My condolences to you and your family.

I am sorry to hear about your loss.

My condolences.

Sorry to hear but that is a good post. Part of loss is always wondering if you could have done something different.

We just had the memorial service for my Mother on June 12th. My mom also had a stroke in recent years, and we hadn't been as close as in previous years. I don't think it was my fault as much as the stroke and dementia, but I'll never know for sure if I could have done something different for her and that sucks. I do know I did the best I could at least, even if there are some things I would go back and change now if I could.

Sorry for your losses ryan and SAHB. I am really, really close to my Mom. It will kill me when she passes.